Not sure whether it is ok to reproduce this here, if not...I will delete this from blog. In fact, I don't know much about this issue, but this article seems to make a lot of sense...
日期 : 2004年12月29日
當 金 錢 遇 上 權 威 -------周 宗 祐 (作 者 為 民 主 動 力 執 委)
從 傳 媒 看 到 部 份 金 融 界 人 士 大 肆 評 擊 鄭 經 翰 ， 及 由 王 紹 爾 組 成 「 反 政 客 大 遊 行 」 ， 便 體 會 到 一 些 香 港 人 只 管 眼 前 「 利 益 」 ， 而 不 願 由 近 而 遠 的 去 「 回 憶 」 整 件 領 匯 事 件 真 正 幕 後 黑 手 。 政 府 製 造 一 層 層 的 煙 幕 ， 去 遮 掩 自 己 的 失 誤 之 餘 ， 更 要 避 免 揭 露 官 商 勾 結 的 真 相 ， 這 種 愚 民 政 策 及 不 負 責 的 態 度 ， 實 在 令 人 髮 指 。 歸 根 究 柢 ， 房 委 會 之 所 以 要 變 賣 資 產 ， 唯 一 的 原 因 是 政 府 在 早 年 要 「 配 合 」 大 財 團 的 需 要 ， 禁 止 出 售 居 屋 。 房 委 會 在 「 負 資 產 」 的 同 時 ， 大 財 團 又 想 到 把 房 委 會 資 產 上 市 的 過 程 中 ， 可 以 大 肆 圖 利 。 更 可 怕 的 是 ， 政 府 似 乎 已 學 會 利 用 市 民 的 短 期 利 益 ， 一 方 面 去 製 造 矛 盾 和 衝 突 ， 另 一 方 面 去 壓 制 市 民 的 民 主 訴 求 。 如 領 匯 事 件 ， 政 府 官 員 利 用 股 民 失 去 製 造 利 潤 機 會 的 憤 怒 ， 去 抵 銷 被 外 界 評 擊 行 政 失 當 之 餘 ， 並 可 進 一 步 攻 擊 民 主 派 。 更 理 想 是 可 為 大 財 團 提 供 利 益 及 與 之 保 持 相 互 支 持 的 關 係 。 這 一 石 三 鳥 之 法 ， 可 謂 絕 矣 。
同 樣 ， 政 府 日 後 必 會 有 更 多 限 制 香 港 人 追 求 公 平 、 公 正 和 民 主 的 長 遠 利 益 的 舉 動 。 如 七 一 遊 行 的 場 地 安 排 ， 政 府 亦 大 可 用 公 眾 利 益 「 市 民 慶 祝 香 港 回 歸 」 作 藉 口 ， 限 制 舉 行 遊 行 人 士 。 西 九 龍 文 化 區 或 其 他 發 展 項 目 ， 亦 可 以 香 港 經 濟 發 展 受 威 脅 的 藉 口 ， 反 對 立 法 會 及 民 間 建 議 之 餘 ， 同 時 為 商 家 造 就 賺 大 錢 的 機 會 。 今 次 領 匯 事 件 ， 我 們 可 看 到 政 府 不 斷 為 大 財 團 輸 送 利 益 外 ， 專 業 人 士 亦 是 政 府 的 主 要 拉 攏 目 標 。 當 然 ， 筆 者 絕 不 反 對 商 人 和 專 業 人 士 賺 錢 的 原 則 ， 但 若 政 府 故 意 製 造 人 民 利 益 上 的 矛 盾 衝 突 ， 警 告 這 樣 會 影 響 香 港 經 濟 繁 榮 ， 來 迫 使 其 他 人 就 範 ， 那 便 絕 對 有 違 民 主 和 良 好 管 治 的 原 則 。
一 般 市 民 認 為 ， 政 府 重 用 大 財 團 和 專 業 人 士 是 理 所 當 然 的 事 ， 因 為 世 界 各 地 的 政 府 都 一 直 奉 行 權 力 精 英 的 管 治 理 念 。 但 是 當 「 金 錢 」 遇 上 「 權 威 」 ， 而 形 成 壓 制 性 社 會 結 構 時 ， 便 只 會 產 生 更 多 黑 暗 的 權 力 關 係 及 利 益 衝 突 ， 接 必 然 會 造 成 社 會 不 穩 定 。 金 錢 ， 它 極 其 量 只 能 產 生 一 種 實 際 影 響 他 人 的 能 力 ， 它 不 一 定 具 「 合 法 性 」 的 。 但 「 權 威 」 則 不 同 ， 它 除 了 有 法 律 體 系 上 的 合 法 性 外 ， 更 有 支 配 及 懲 罰 的 特 質 。 因 此 ， 「 權 威 關 係 」 是 一 種 「 零 和 」 關 係 ， 即 控 制 和 服 從 的 關 係 ， 沒 有 灰 色 地 帶 。 社 會 學 家 達 倫 道 夫 說 明 ， 權 威 關 係 下 形 式 的 人 會 分 化 成 「 統 治 」 與 「 被 統 治 」 兩 個 群 體 。 「 統 治 」 含 有 「 擁 有 權 威 」 或 「 參 與 權 威 的 操 作 」 的 意 義 。 而 「 被 統 治 」 的 含 義 ， 是 「 喪 失 權 威 」 或 「 被 排 斥 於 權 威 操 作 之 外 」 。
因 此 ， 當 大 財 團 和 政 府 勾 結 ， 便 立 即 能 將 不 具 合 法 性 的 權 力 ， 變 成 有 法 律 依 據 的 權 威 。 如 果 沒 有 良 好 的 意 見 反 映 機 制 及 渠 道 ， 如 由 市 民 普 選 產 生 的 立 法 會 及 行 政 長 官 ， 最 終 ， 只 會 呈 現 更 多 如 領 匯 事 件 中 的 陰 謀 破 壞 及 不 合 作 行 為 。 因 此 ， 若 中 央 和 香 港 政 府 、 大 財 團 、 專 業 人 士 和 市 民 真 的 希 望 香 港 有 長 期 的 經 濟 繁 榮 ， 便 應 盡 快 建 立 一 個 具 普 遍 參 與 性 的 選 舉 制 度 ， 保 持 香 港 繁 榮 穩 定 的 最 終 目 標 。
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
"Retail therapy works wonder!"
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Oxford Street, London on 27th Dec, 2004
28/12/2004
Ok, I am now writing on the train back to Cambridge, I will write as long as my battery lasts. Now 28/12/2004, 23.15pm, by the time I get back to Cambridge it should be around 12.15am and I shall cab it back to New Hall! "Ouch" from my bank account.Things I have got ta do when I get back, take shower, (unpack?), CHECK EMAIL!!!! Go on MSN? doubt if anyone would still be online at this time of the night, but one never knows.
31/12/2004 (resumed blogging)
CHRISTMAS SALES...right, I started spending a bomb since 27th Dec - 30th Dec. 2 days of shopping in LONDON, and 2 days of shopping in CAMBRIDGE.
27/12-28/12/2004---LONDON SHOPPING!!!!
SHOPS I VISITED....
DEBENHAMS- leather gloves 10GBP (was 20 GBP), cuff links 10GBP (was 20 GBP)
ZARA- Denim mini skirt 19GBP (was 25GBP)
MANGO- purple top 9 GBP (was 18 GBP), orange top 6 GBP (was 13GBP)
ALDO- boots 29.95 GBP (was 59.99 GBP), pink bag 14.95GBP (was 29.99GBP)
I ATE AT....
Yung 's in China Town for dinner- 6GBP
Wetherspoon at O2 on Finchley Road- 7.78GBP
HK Diner (ie. Hollywood)- 6GBP
OTHER EXPENSES:
2 travelcards on 2 separate days- 8.60GBP
taxi back to New Hall on 28th night - 7.20GBP
29-30/12/2004 ---CAMBRIDGE SHOPPING!!!!
New Look- Shirt 3GBP (Was 9.99GBP)
Superdrug- facial wash (evian) 3.99 GBP (was 4.99GBP), Vaseline lotion 99p (was 1.49 GBP)
Miss Selfridge- panties ;one at 1.50 GBP (was 3GBP) and one at 2 GBP (was 5GBP)
Accessorize- woollen hat 4.50GBP (was 15GBP)
Republic- fluffy scarf 5GBP (was 14.99)
Actually, I felt that Cambridge is actually better for shopping because the shops are more organised and less crowded. Ok, the shops are smaller and you don't have as many choices, but in London, the shops are gigantic and one is so spoilt with choices and becoming so stressed being inside a messy huge store !!I ended up having no idea where to start looking!
31/12/2004...transition to 1/1/2005
I am panicking! End of December is here! I have not yet written a single essay! How come time flies even quicker during holiday?
My December was filled with GRE, Depression, Xmas shopping, SEX AND THE CITY (I am now an addict of the show, started watching from Season 1...now onto Season 4) and little bit of work!
Monday, December 27, 2004
Christmas dinner with Cracker
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Boxing day. Feeling deeply sorry about the earthquake and tsunami at Southern Asia.
The Staples family came back from their Ski trip in France, and we had a bigbig Christmas dinner! With a Huge Turkey, bacon, saugages, parsnip, sprouts, mixed veg, roasties as main course; Trifle, Christmas pudding (yes again), and mince pie for dessert(S), and coffee afterwards! The boys had grown a lot, but little Sam is still as cute as before!
And guess what follows dinner??? TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was simply glued to my seat on the sofa in the living room since the afternoon til late at night watching TV. Nothing too exciting was on, just University Challenge, Marple (an Agatha Christie show), Murder on the River Nile, Haunted House. I had an English All day Breakfast at 9.30pm as my supper!!!
Heading to London on 27th.
My summary of my stay at Iris' - lovely, glad, grateful to be there, albeit a little bit cold, that's why I am always in the living room because it is where the fireplace locate! Loads of nice food, and TV!!!! Did not manage to do any work! And I left my Evian facial wash there in the bathroom. :(
There is one thing special which I noticed. Their (Iris' and Iain's) gaze for each other as the other person spoke. The gaze says adoration, admiration and love. Then I wonder, if I will ever be fortunate enough to find someone who would be looking at me in that way after being together so many many many years, when we both grow old and wrinkled. Being in a house of a loving couple does lighten one's hopes and dreams.
Yes, LONDON SALES, here I come!
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Me and my present
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25/12/2004
After I did the facial mask, I went downstairs, had a cup of coffee and 2 pieces of toast. Then I unwrapped my present from Iris and Iain Jim. It's a Fenjal shower gift set. I have never heard of this brand before, but I guess it is good stuff since it's swiss made.
Lunch was at 2.15pm, we had roast lamb with all the traditional sunday roast stuff despite it was in fact a Saturday, we had Christmas pudding after that! We talked about how funny it was last night at the midnight mass where the priest and the congregation would be engaged in responses, which reminded Iris about Carry on movies... "and up yours"...keke...
After lunch, I had a TV marathon! Started off with 007 Golden Eye, it was ok, I don't really like the actresses in this one, however Pierce Bronsnan is as fine as ever! Ian called when I was watching Goleneye...he seems happy. I miss him a lot! When it was finished, one of the BBC channels was showing Harry Potter 1, I was watching that while reading my book- "The Five People you meet in Heaven" (I finished that during my stay at Iris').....Anyway, I kept watching TV until I got sick of British shows (it was approximately 11.00pm), while eating 1/2 of a veggie pizza as my dinner. Then I dished out one of the DVD sent by KC...kekeke....KC posted me 2 DVDs with GUM CHI YUK YIP, 4-LEAF CLOVER 2......and loads of music.....THANKS KC!!!!! Anyway, I watched the last two episodes of GUM CHI YUK YIP, and then went to bed.
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Cosy house~
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In fact it's already 26/12/2004 00.47, Depsite no work has been done so far, I feel exceptionally glad that I am at Iris' place. I don't have internet connection at the moment, so I will just have to blog in notepad first, then copy and paste it on Blogspot when I get back to Cambridge.
24/12/2004
My journey from New Hall, Cambridge to Grapevine Cottage, East Grinstead.
Left New Hall at around 11.25am. Before that, I went to check my pigeonhole for one last time. Nothing was there ;) Then, I took the route from the connecting gate between New Hall and St. Edmund's College to St. Andrew's Place, thinking that I could drop a Christmas Card at Eddies for Jeremy (Mr. J). Regrettably, the front door of Eddies was locked...I couldn't deliver the Christmas card to Mr. J in time for Christmas, even though I only had dinner with him the evening before.
I used to go all the way to Emmanuel Street in order to take a bus to the station. How silly I was! After visiting the stagecoach website, this time I got on no. 2 (in fact one can get on either no.1 or no.2) from St. Andrew's Place (i.e. outide Toni & Guy, opposite to St. John's College, next to Round Church.
I got to the station at the perfect time, and got on the train to King's Cross London. Nothing was particularly special about the journey, apart from the fact that Ian (darling) called and we chat for 15 mins. He was on his way to a midnight mass. I had a thought that I should do that too. I consider that my transition from King's Cross to Victoria was smooth despite my heavy luggage and backpack. I enjoyed eating my mashmallow during my train journies (I bought the mashmellow from Lakeland ltd. They was soft and tasted yummy! Way better than Sainsbury's mashmellow) As I reached East Grinstead at 3pm, rain was hammering down. I thought I would wait inside the station and walk to Iris' house once the rain is stopped. I waited and waited for about 25 mins. Unexpectedly, I received a phone call from Iain Jim~ It was absolutely a surprise! He asked if I had got off the train yet, I said yes and was just waiting for the rain to stop so that I could make my way up from the station. He told me to stay where I was, and that he would pick me up!!!! I was flattered!
Arrival
The moment I reached Grapevine Cottage, I just felt as if I have never left! Where did these 2 and a half years go? I unloaded my luggage into the room where I used to stay in, and went down to chat with Iris. She made me a mushroom omlette and we just kept chatting non stop for like 2 and a half hours! I also showed Iris and Iain Jim my pictures about my life in Cambridge on my computer. I asked about going to church later that evening, and it was thought to be a great idea. So Iris said we could head to Church at around 11pm.
As the evening goes by...
I had some spaghetti at around 7.30pm, after that I sat down to watch Top of the Pops, University Challenge (Stage vs Critics) and Who wants to be a millionaire (I cant believe all these game shows could go on for such a long time like any other old British Sitcoms). It's the first time I watched British TV properly for at least 1 year and a half! The last time I watched TV was probably when I was at Manfred's house.
Neil and Sue came by to visit at around 9.30pm. I had a good chat with Sue about the way to revise, she told me," 95percent of the population makes boring, black and white notes." Yes, yes, I have heard the way to make notes many times, but just never get round to put it into practice. Drawing pictures and using colour pens are just too troublesome and costly. Nevertheless, I will try to draw pictures, putting words into meaningful pictures and concepts.
Midnight Mass??
At 11.15pm, I had not heard any suggestions of going to church since Neil and Sue were still here, I thought, well, maybe they didnt check their watches? Or perhaps they had changed their mind... ?? I felt a little dishearted, but was unsure about speaking up nor mentioning about going to church on my own, because I did not want to sound pushy and rude. I trusted that they would keep their promise and they did! We got to church, albeit a little bit late and the congregation was already singing verse 4 of O come, all ye faithful. We got to sit on the very front row (spare seats there). I was unsure about taking those places, worried that Iain and Iris might not like to sit in the front row. At the end, we took the places, and the service went smoothly. We got to get communion just after the choir did! How great! If we sat at the very back as we were late, we would be getting the very last bits! I enjoyed the service, it was the first time I had ever attended a midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Spending this time with Iris and Iain Jim was indeed special and meaningful.
1am...zzzzz
Got back at around one something am, had a crossiant and a hot chocolate (with Squirty Cream, starbucks impression) made by Iris!! Had a chat with Iain Jim, and went to bed very late. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz~
25/12/2004
Got up very late on Christmas Day. Washed myself, and did a facial mask. Havent done a facial mask for a month already....(to be continued)
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Christmas lights at Cambridge 2005
GOING TO IRIS' TOMORROW, today got them presents....surely I couldn't go there empty-handed. I got a Cat apron for Iris and an Adidas shower set for Iain Jim.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I must keep myself BUSY!!!!
"The reason you are thinking about something for long is because you are not happy with it."
Is this true?
Following on today's telephone conversation, and after one day of thinking, I consider the above statement as false. Because, if the above statement was true, then it means that " You would not be thinking about something if you are happy with it." also true. But when we have some happy experience, do we not think about it afterwards? We must have thought about the process of what we were doing which was pleasing to us in order to get the impression that the thing we were doing was happy. Is it not? We also think about happy memories. So, I decided that the statement does not describe why I am thinking about "it" so much these days, i.e. I am not unhappy about 'it'.
I have attributed my unhappiness due to various factors mentioned in previous blogs (hormonal imbalance, stress, adapting to new room, uncertain about future...). I guess not being able to see YOU (you know who you are) perhaps does contribute a little to my sadness. I will leave it at that.
The telephone conversation did bug me a lot. Yeah, I know I am young (age wise) and I should have fun and meet people while I can. I have been told that by a few guys before. But does having fun mean everything (it sounds too egocentric)? What is the definition of 'fun'? You've made it clear before, I remembered. From the talk of experience, you said to me," If you are unhappy, you should get out of it." I am puzzled. I am confused about whether I am unhappy or not. I reckon I am just experiencing conflict. Does conflict= sadness? If not, should it be interpreted as sadness?
You said you understand. You don't want me to feel bad even you would be disappointed. You said you want me to be happy and I should not be under obligation to not letting you down. Are they just excuses to get rid of me? You said no. The fact is, I do not feel obligated! Instead, I feel necessity. obligation sounds like it's coerced. I just feel that I do not have the ability to see someone else... You know, you being so mature and understanding just make me love you even more! I don't want to be parted from you. On the other hand, you are so rational that it somewhat freaks me out (when I think that I am rational enough)...
Okay, perhaps I seem sad, but in fact I am also glad to know that you really care about me. Never mention this issue again, you know why? If I don't love you anymore, I can break myself easily from you with no remorse. But I love you, so if I have to break myself away from you, it would be damn painful and I would be more sad than I am now. I would be thinking about you every second, every minute of the day, thinking about what you'd be doing, who you're with, where you are...I would not be able to pull myself away from thoughts about you. But then, I would have no rights to do so, 'cos we no longer belong to each other. Hey, this is sad! That's why I don't want it, just the thought of it makes me shiver. The only way to get rid of me is to make me hate you.
As you said you don't think about 'it' much because of how busy you are with work, I guess I must learn to be like you- I will keep myself as busy as you, then I can be like you, not thinking about 'it'.
Another thoughts just came to mind.We have shown the fundamental differences between the sexes. You are strong and not so affected by emotions because you are a man and also older? I am weak (loser-thinking..keke) and emotional because I am a woman?
I believe in COGNITIVE THERAPY. I can THINK until I get BETTER! I am determined to achieve that! So don't worry about me darling.
Is this true?
Following on today's telephone conversation, and after one day of thinking, I consider the above statement as false. Because, if the above statement was true, then it means that " You would not be thinking about something if you are happy with it." also true. But when we have some happy experience, do we not think about it afterwards? We must have thought about the process of what we were doing which was pleasing to us in order to get the impression that the thing we were doing was happy. Is it not? We also think about happy memories. So, I decided that the statement does not describe why I am thinking about "it" so much these days, i.e. I am not unhappy about 'it'.
I have attributed my unhappiness due to various factors mentioned in previous blogs (hormonal imbalance, stress, adapting to new room, uncertain about future...). I guess not being able to see YOU (you know who you are) perhaps does contribute a little to my sadness. I will leave it at that.
The telephone conversation did bug me a lot. Yeah, I know I am young (age wise) and I should have fun and meet people while I can. I have been told that by a few guys before. But does having fun mean everything (it sounds too egocentric)? What is the definition of 'fun'? You've made it clear before, I remembered. From the talk of experience, you said to me," If you are unhappy, you should get out of it." I am puzzled. I am confused about whether I am unhappy or not. I reckon I am just experiencing conflict. Does conflict= sadness? If not, should it be interpreted as sadness?
You said you understand. You don't want me to feel bad even you would be disappointed. You said you want me to be happy and I should not be under obligation to not letting you down. Are they just excuses to get rid of me? You said no. The fact is, I do not feel obligated! Instead, I feel necessity. obligation sounds like it's coerced. I just feel that I do not have the ability to see someone else... You know, you being so mature and understanding just make me love you even more! I don't want to be parted from you. On the other hand, you are so rational that it somewhat freaks me out (when I think that I am rational enough)...
Okay, perhaps I seem sad, but in fact I am also glad to know that you really care about me. Never mention this issue again, you know why? If I don't love you anymore, I can break myself easily from you with no remorse. But I love you, so if I have to break myself away from you, it would be damn painful and I would be more sad than I am now. I would be thinking about you every second, every minute of the day, thinking about what you'd be doing, who you're with, where you are...I would not be able to pull myself away from thoughts about you. But then, I would have no rights to do so, 'cos we no longer belong to each other. Hey, this is sad! That's why I don't want it, just the thought of it makes me shiver. The only way to get rid of me is to make me hate you.
As you said you don't think about 'it' much because of how busy you are with work, I guess I must learn to be like you- I will keep myself as busy as you, then I can be like you, not thinking about 'it'.
Another thoughts just came to mind.We have shown the fundamental differences between the sexes. You are strong and not so affected by emotions because you are a man and also older? I am weak (loser-thinking..keke) and emotional because I am a woman?
I believe in COGNITIVE THERAPY. I can THINK until I get BETTER! I am determined to achieve that! So don't worry about me darling.
One cannot help to feel lonely, right? I am not unhappy about 'it'. Don't put thoughts in my head which blur my vision.
Am I too stubborn/naive or what?
Sunday, December 19, 2004
日有所思
讓我試試用中文寫blog.手寫板真的很慢，但又沒有時間學其他輸入法，沒法子。
日有所思
昨晚又夢到你
你說聖誕要來公幹
我心中狂喜
轉眼間你已到達
我不惜一切
也要去找你
因為我快擘不住了
即使只是一瞬間
我也要把握著
醒來時
心中感覺矛盾
回味卻無奈
日有所思
昨晚又夢到你
你說聖誕要來公幹
我心中狂喜
轉眼間你已到達
我不惜一切
也要去找你
因為我快擘不住了
即使只是一瞬間
我也要把握著
醒來時
心中感覺矛盾
回味卻無奈
Saturday, December 18, 2004
I am so gonna get better
Anyway, do I get a permission to put your picture on my blog dear? Does your face have copyright? haha. I just love this pic so MUCH!!! I am starting to feel better but yet, today was still an unproductive day. Am I just too slow or time passes too quickly? I wanna get some reading done but instead I spent my day choosing a present in town. I also bought three books for myself.
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
PS. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern
I am so gonna have a great time reading.
Chat to Iris and Iain Jim on the phone at around 8pm while I was still inside the department library, I am gonna go to East Grinstead on 24th-27th probably, and then to London on 27th to do shopping! I have long heard that the winter sale in the UK is when things get really really cheap. Looking forward to that!
It was really bad that I sprained my ankle while taking my cooking utensils downstairs! I was wearing trainers! >_
I really don't know whether I should try to go to sleep or read my book "What is Clinical Psychology?" by Marzillier and Hall. Because I realised that whichever time I sleep, I end up getting up at noon the next day. I started thinking what's the point of sleeping earlier (I tried to sleep earlier in order to get up earlier the next day, but I failed to achieve that) ? My not so close neighbour is still playing some loud music ("audible" in my room) at 1.30am, I think I can hear it.)
I really don't know whether I should try to go to sleep or read my book "What is Clinical Psychology?" by Marzillier and Hall. Because I realised that whichever time I sleep, I end up getting up at noon the next day. I started thinking what's the point of sleeping earlier (I tried to sleep earlier in order to get up earlier the next day, but I failed to achieve that) ? My not so close neighbour is still playing some loud music ("audible" in my room) at 1.30am, I think I can hear it.)
Friday, December 17, 2004
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Stress or depression?
Before I write anything else, I must thank Wilson and Leo for helping me out with the moving and dinner on Sunday, without them, I would be so screwed. Thanks you guys ever so much, I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it. I will cook dinner for you guys one of these days, promised!
I also have felt relatively pleased having read that Hung Wan Boon Dou紅灣半島 is not gonna be taken down any more. Thank god! That is indeed the correct corporate decision to make, glad they realise it at the end.
Late night blogging is becoming a habit.
I have been wondering why I have been so moody since my trip to Leeds and why I have not been able to sleep early, I 've been sleeping late and getting up exceptionally late, and getting a cold. I think I have got the answer.
Right, as far as I remember, I have been feeling shitty for more than 6 days. I am not sure whether it is stress/ major depression/ seasonal affective disorder/ hormonal imbalance or a combination of all the above. On average I cry at least once a day since last Wednesday, usually in bed, but the severity extends to normal waking life. I am not trying to get pity here. But I have never been so depressed in my life so far. This very moment I am feeling better and am determined to get out of this, and I will make sure I do so.
It's just weird, my body is giving me unexplainable signals/signs that I am suffering from something, but what is it? OK, I am trying to rationalise my depression symptoms on post stress disorder. Stress has caused my hormonal imbalance (or the other way round?) which in turn made me depressed. That must be it. As soon as I can rationalise the cause, I will be able to get over of it or at least I know it will be over some day. You would never know how much I am affected by my hormones.
So, I still think the hormone thing is only part of the story. When things does not go smoothly in life, these give labels to the physiological signs. Was I stressed while preparing for the GRE? I never thought I'd give myself stress, but it comes just like that. Unknowingly, I am suffering from the effects. I knew I have high expectation and I like things to turn out well. But I have thought that I have already lowered my standard to match the reality (that I am not that good). I also realised that the older I get, the worse I become in coping with stress. Why is that? My old coping strategies are not working anymore? Or in fact I have never used any strategies before since the stress I encountered previously had never been great? You know, stress coping strategies for me are inborn, they are subconscious. I utilise them without conscious notice. I don't even know how I've got through the past twenty years without realising that I have stress. It's time to learn some conscious stress coping strategies. I want to indulge in something. I desperately want..... a massage, nice chocolate, TLC and TWA <---- (see if you are smart enough to get this), at the moment, these just live in my head. Now: Afternoon of 16/12, I am starting to get over my depression, wanted to head down to the library, but once I turned on the computer, I could not pull myself away from it. Naughty Amanda! So here I am carrying one from my blog left off from last night. Chat to Felix on the phone for more than half an hour last night. End up going to bed at 3am, didnt get up till 12noon. I was determined to get up at 9am. I failed to achieve that. Nevermind. I am so gonna go to town when I finish this. Hormonal imbalance, stress...which is the causal factor?
Still, the story isn't complete.
Whenever I was alone, I would :'(
I was told that nothing could be done about it. I chose to stay in the UK over the vacation, and I would have to pay the price of not being able to see my love ones. If I have loads of money, then I could just fly back home (I want to go to Singapore!) for a few days whenever I want...but things aren't as simple as I want them to be. I am uncertain, uncertain about many things, I realise it's a stage when many 21yr olds will encounter at some point-- identity crisis! Where should I go after my graduation? or should I ask Where COULD I go after my graduation? I know I should do things I want to do, but I want to do many things! Will I be able to "shoot two birds with one stone"? As in getting Career as well as keeping my relationship? Am I thinking too much? Do I get depressed because of things are out of my control (it's exactly what depression is about --helplessness!) ? I know I really should not be thinking about the future issue too soon, because it will just disturb my studies. On the other hand, the thoughts just automatically go on and on revolving around my head. I was unable to get rid of them. I also could not help thinking of the worst possible scenario, and then end up feeling very grey. I am such a typical paranoid woman (girl?).
My conclusion for my depression-- a combination of stress +hormonal imbalance+paranoid about the future (the dark dark britisih winter doesnt help much either)+ adpating to my new room at Hammond House (I only just realise this as one of the potential stressors). Oh well. I am on my way of overcoming it and it's looking optimistic. Depression is somewhat disastrous, but the most important thing is to be able to get over it.
Feeling good now, I just bursted out everything I wanted to say to my darling. I am really thankful for my wonderful darling, who is so supportive always through thick and thin. Your words are couraging and precious to me. I cannot say I will never get sad again, but I will try not to. Because I know you would want me to be happy.
I also want to thank Mr. J, for sharing my problems and bearing my moodiness for the past 3 evenings...THANK YOU.
I WAS depressed. So what? ;)
I also have felt relatively pleased having read that Hung Wan Boon Dou紅灣半島 is not gonna be taken down any more. Thank god! That is indeed the correct corporate decision to make, glad they realise it at the end.
Late night blogging is becoming a habit.
I have been wondering why I have been so moody since my trip to Leeds and why I have not been able to sleep early, I 've been sleeping late and getting up exceptionally late, and getting a cold. I think I have got the answer.
Right, as far as I remember, I have been feeling shitty for more than 6 days. I am not sure whether it is stress/ major depression/ seasonal affective disorder/ hormonal imbalance or a combination of all the above. On average I cry at least once a day since last Wednesday, usually in bed, but the severity extends to normal waking life. I am not trying to get pity here. But I have never been so depressed in my life so far. This very moment I am feeling better and am determined to get out of this, and I will make sure I do so.
It's just weird, my body is giving me unexplainable signals/signs that I am suffering from something, but what is it? OK, I am trying to rationalise my depression symptoms on post stress disorder. Stress has caused my hormonal imbalance (or the other way round?) which in turn made me depressed. That must be it. As soon as I can rationalise the cause, I will be able to get over of it or at least I know it will be over some day. You would never know how much I am affected by my hormones.
So, I still think the hormone thing is only part of the story. When things does not go smoothly in life, these give labels to the physiological signs. Was I stressed while preparing for the GRE? I never thought I'd give myself stress, but it comes just like that. Unknowingly, I am suffering from the effects. I knew I have high expectation and I like things to turn out well. But I have thought that I have already lowered my standard to match the reality (that I am not that good). I also realised that the older I get, the worse I become in coping with stress. Why is that? My old coping strategies are not working anymore? Or in fact I have never used any strategies before since the stress I encountered previously had never been great? You know, stress coping strategies for me are inborn, they are subconscious. I utilise them without conscious notice. I don't even know how I've got through the past twenty years without realising that I have stress. It's time to learn some conscious stress coping strategies. I want to indulge in something. I desperately want..... a massage, nice chocolate, TLC and TWA <---- (see if you are smart enough to get this), at the moment, these just live in my head. Now: Afternoon of 16/12, I am starting to get over my depression, wanted to head down to the library, but once I turned on the computer, I could not pull myself away from it. Naughty Amanda! So here I am carrying one from my blog left off from last night. Chat to Felix on the phone for more than half an hour last night. End up going to bed at 3am, didnt get up till 12noon. I was determined to get up at 9am. I failed to achieve that. Nevermind. I am so gonna go to town when I finish this. Hormonal imbalance, stress...which is the causal factor?
Still, the story isn't complete.
Whenever I was alone, I would :'(
I was told that nothing could be done about it. I chose to stay in the UK over the vacation, and I would have to pay the price of not being able to see my love ones. If I have loads of money, then I could just fly back home (I want to go to Singapore!) for a few days whenever I want...but things aren't as simple as I want them to be. I am uncertain, uncertain about many things, I realise it's a stage when many 21yr olds will encounter at some point-- identity crisis! Where should I go after my graduation? or should I ask Where COULD I go after my graduation? I know I should do things I want to do, but I want to do many things! Will I be able to "shoot two birds with one stone"? As in getting Career as well as keeping my relationship? Am I thinking too much? Do I get depressed because of things are out of my control (it's exactly what depression is about --helplessness!) ? I know I really should not be thinking about the future issue too soon, because it will just disturb my studies. On the other hand, the thoughts just automatically go on and on revolving around my head. I was unable to get rid of them. I also could not help thinking of the worst possible scenario, and then end up feeling very grey. I am such a typical paranoid woman (girl?).
My conclusion for my depression-- a combination of stress +hormonal imbalance+paranoid about the future (the dark dark britisih winter doesnt help much either)+ adpating to my new room at Hammond House (I only just realise this as one of the potential stressors). Oh well. I am on my way of overcoming it and it's looking optimistic. Depression is somewhat disastrous, but the most important thing is to be able to get over it.
Feeling good now, I just bursted out everything I wanted to say to my darling. I am really thankful for my wonderful darling, who is so supportive always through thick and thin. Your words are couraging and precious to me. I cannot say I will never get sad again, but I will try not to. Because I know you would want me to be happy.
I also want to thank Mr. J, for sharing my problems and bearing my moodiness for the past 3 evenings...THANK YOU.
I WAS depressed. So what? ;)
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Parkinson Building of University of Leeds at night.
You know what? I am planning to fix myself some more trips in the coming weeks, there are loads of places that I wanna go. Anyone interested? I wanna go to Dublin, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Paris, Bath, ....just places where I can take loads and loads of nice pics and have a great time!
[ LEEDS "GRE Psychology" TRIP ]
12/12/2004 started writing...
I am finally back from Leeds...been sleeping very little by my standard this week, now I am knackered! I have been up since 6.45am (11th Dec) and now it's 1.29am (12th Dec), and the previous night I went to bed around 1.30am....hm....I dun think I will have time to catch up with sleep until at least monday! Tomorrow, I was told that I HAVE TO MOVE TO HAMMOND HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY VACATION!!!!! S**T! Anyway, I am freaking tired, but I wanna write about my trip to Leeds, 'cos I know if I don't write now, I will not get the chance to write it in the next few days. So there we go...my thoughts are getting incoherent as I type.
10th Dec (Firday)
11.15am--- left New Hall, heading towards the station- bought a sandwich from Pret A Manger on the way
12.04pm--- got on the train to Peterborough.
1pm-2pm--- got a gap between the Peterborough train and the next train to Leeds, so I sneaked out to walk around Peterborough, a very nice town, with a grand cathedral and massive shopping mall.
2pm-3.30pm--- Train from Peterborough to LEEDS! I was allocated a seat in the smoking coach... o_O" When I opened the coach door, I was dazed for like 3 seconds!!! I simply just stood at the door, staring at the smoke and swore in my heart! I have never been onto a coach of a train filled with smoke...so....I sat down and frowned basically my whole train journey thinking I would be suffocated or dying from acute lung cancer (probably doesnt exist) anytime.
3.30pm-4.00pm--- ARRIVED AT LEEDS STATION. Looked around the tourist info centre, bought a mini city map. Then headed towards the town to find my hotel TRAVELODGE! Actually took me quite awhile to find it. And it's dark by 4pm!
Took a break in my room, and went out at 5pm to town to find out about what's around and whereabout is the University of Leeds. Back at 7pm.
(I stopped writing at this point... 2 am 12/12/2004 zzzzzz I really did need sleep. Resume at 2am 15/12/2004...early morning again, and I feel restless. Will address this problem later)
Yes, In fact, my exploration that early evening should be a little bit more detailed. I love Leeds, though not love at first sight, but definitely started to love it as I walked around. It's a city, somewhat similar to London, but it's not as crowded and the air doesn't seem as polluted (as I didnt get my itchy nose) It's exciting, with many many huge shops, great variety, and cheap! Gosh, nothing to compare with London and Cambridge! I walked and walked, refering to the map as little as I could, walked mainly on Albion Street and up the hill on WOODHOUSE LANE (yes, the university is also on da hill like New Hall, but the slope isn't as steep as our very own Castle Hill). After walking for about 30 mins, I 'd found where I was supposed to go for the next morning, great! On my way back to TRAVELODGE, I went to a German Christmas Fair at Millennium Square, bought a piece of freshly prepared Garlic Bread there. I then picked up a takeaway box (costed me 5 quid) at Maxim Express which is inside a really nice shopping centre called LIGHT on Albion Street. I was surprised to find a Maxim in this country! So... my so called fabulous dinner was a Chinese takeaway in my little hotel room all on my own. As I was eating, I was mulling over my GRE questions, on the dressing table with a huge mirror right in front of me. I stared at myself, I couldn't deny the shitty feeling deep inside me which I could not explain. Despite I was in a marvellous city, I was ALL ALONE. :'(
Anyway, enough of this depressing stuff. My melancholic self was taking over me. Ok, there I was working through till really late (1am?), then I took a shower, washed my hair and went to bed!
11th Dec (Sat)
6.45am--- I was up and running at this time of the morning, I just knew that I had to get to U of Leeds preferably by 8.20am, and I needed a breakfast! I planned the night before that I was gonna have it at McD! I washed, packed and stepped out of TRAVELODGE, it's 7.15am-- and it's still DARK. It's depressing to call it morning when it's still pitch dark outside and one could easily do with a nice warm bed. The street was almost empty- yeah, you kinda bumped into one or two persons, but that's nothing to compare with HK on a Sat morning, the city would be bustling with traffic and people at 7.15am! I ordered a Hot Cake with Sauage and a Hot Chocolate at McD, fabulous! Exactly what I need to get through the horrid morning ahead.
8.20-10am--- Going through the administration procedure of GRE. (Impression I got of the invigilators: disorganised)
10am- 12.50pm--- EXAM TIME! It was tough, I knew I wasn't that well prepared, but having read the GRE preparation book did not help that much! There were still things which didnt appear in the book and it's just impossible to get a perfect score! Perhaps I was setting myself too high of a standard which landed me into a high stress level for the past week and beyond (yes, I am now (and still) suffering from the post stress symptoms)
say 1pm - 2.30pm--- I have met a few other cantabs doing GRE (you know, you just sort of recognised them in the exam hall, and then went to chat to them afterwards to confirm your suspicion?) and we all headed for lunch at Hard Rock Cafe. Expensive, but nice. First time being in a Hard Rock Cafe...
2.30pm - 5.20pm--- I split up with the cantabs and went on my own sightseeing and frantic photo taking journey. Walking for almost 3 hours with a heavy backpack is and always will be TIRING! I took LOADS of photos, at the same time my back and my shoulder ached a great deal. As I started my window shopping at around 4.30pm (as it's dark and no more pics to be taken then), I was dying to find somewhere to sit and rest. After a few shops, I simply broke down onto a bench on Briggate. I was outside but it was not cold at all. I looked around the street, people are either paired up, with/without kids, or in groups. And guess what? Natually I.... :'(
That's when my darling called.
5.20pm- 10pm--- Making my way back to Cambridge. Leaving this lovely city was not easy, but I was tired and needed comfort of my room! I made my way to the station, got on the train to Stevenage, this time, I found myself a seat in a non-smoking coach. I ended up with a more relaxing journey when I could take a nap. Changed train at Stevenage and got back to Cambridge at around 9pm. Waiting for the bus to take me back to the city centre seemed to take forever. It was freezing cold then. After I reached the town centre, bought myself a pack of microwavable meatball spaghetti in tomato sauce from Sainsbury (right, that's my dinner sorted) and finally got back to my room at 10 pm! Nonono, my day did not end there! I then did laundry (believe it or not?), loaded my pics on the computer and started blogging (which obviously did not complete till this moment in time).
end 3.16am 15/12/2004
I am finally back from Leeds...been sleeping very little by my standard this week, now I am knackered! I have been up since 6.45am (11th Dec) and now it's 1.29am (12th Dec), and the previous night I went to bed around 1.30am....hm....I dun think I will have time to catch up with sleep until at least monday! Tomorrow, I was told that I HAVE TO MOVE TO HAMMOND HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY VACATION!!!!! S**T! Anyway, I am freaking tired, but I wanna write about my trip to Leeds, 'cos I know if I don't write now, I will not get the chance to write it in the next few days. So there we go...my thoughts are getting incoherent as I type.
10th Dec (Firday)
11.15am--- left New Hall, heading towards the station- bought a sandwich from Pret A Manger on the way
12.04pm--- got on the train to Peterborough.
1pm-2pm--- got a gap between the Peterborough train and the next train to Leeds, so I sneaked out to walk around Peterborough, a very nice town, with a grand cathedral and massive shopping mall.
2pm-3.30pm--- Train from Peterborough to LEEDS! I was allocated a seat in the smoking coach... o_O" When I opened the coach door, I was dazed for like 3 seconds!!! I simply just stood at the door, staring at the smoke and swore in my heart! I have never been onto a coach of a train filled with smoke...so....I sat down and frowned basically my whole train journey thinking I would be suffocated or dying from acute lung cancer (probably doesnt exist) anytime.
3.30pm-4.00pm--- ARRIVED AT LEEDS STATION. Looked around the tourist info centre, bought a mini city map. Then headed towards the town to find my hotel TRAVELODGE! Actually took me quite awhile to find it. And it's dark by 4pm!
Took a break in my room, and went out at 5pm to town to find out about what's around and whereabout is the University of Leeds. Back at 7pm.
(I stopped writing at this point... 2 am 12/12/2004 zzzzzz I really did need sleep. Resume at 2am 15/12/2004...early morning again, and I feel restless. Will address this problem later)
Yes, In fact, my exploration that early evening should be a little bit more detailed. I love Leeds, though not love at first sight, but definitely started to love it as I walked around. It's a city, somewhat similar to London, but it's not as crowded and the air doesn't seem as polluted (as I didnt get my itchy nose) It's exciting, with many many huge shops, great variety, and cheap! Gosh, nothing to compare with London and Cambridge! I walked and walked, refering to the map as little as I could, walked mainly on Albion Street and up the hill on WOODHOUSE LANE (yes, the university is also on da hill like New Hall, but the slope isn't as steep as our very own Castle Hill). After walking for about 30 mins, I 'd found where I was supposed to go for the next morning, great! On my way back to TRAVELODGE, I went to a German Christmas Fair at Millennium Square, bought a piece of freshly prepared Garlic Bread there. I then picked up a takeaway box (costed me 5 quid) at Maxim Express which is inside a really nice shopping centre called LIGHT on Albion Street. I was surprised to find a Maxim in this country! So... my so called fabulous dinner was a Chinese takeaway in my little hotel room all on my own. As I was eating, I was mulling over my GRE questions, on the dressing table with a huge mirror right in front of me. I stared at myself, I couldn't deny the shitty feeling deep inside me which I could not explain. Despite I was in a marvellous city, I was ALL ALONE. :'(
Anyway, enough of this depressing stuff. My melancholic self was taking over me. Ok, there I was working through till really late (1am?), then I took a shower, washed my hair and went to bed!
11th Dec (Sat)
6.45am--- I was up and running at this time of the morning, I just knew that I had to get to U of Leeds preferably by 8.20am, and I needed a breakfast! I planned the night before that I was gonna have it at McD! I washed, packed and stepped out of TRAVELODGE, it's 7.15am-- and it's still DARK. It's depressing to call it morning when it's still pitch dark outside and one could easily do with a nice warm bed. The street was almost empty- yeah, you kinda bumped into one or two persons, but that's nothing to compare with HK on a Sat morning, the city would be bustling with traffic and people at 7.15am! I ordered a Hot Cake with Sauage and a Hot Chocolate at McD, fabulous! Exactly what I need to get through the horrid morning ahead.
8.20-10am--- Going through the administration procedure of GRE. (Impression I got of the invigilators: disorganised)
10am- 12.50pm--- EXAM TIME! It was tough, I knew I wasn't that well prepared, but having read the GRE preparation book did not help that much! There were still things which didnt appear in the book and it's just impossible to get a perfect score! Perhaps I was setting myself too high of a standard which landed me into a high stress level for the past week and beyond (yes, I am now (and still) suffering from the post stress symptoms)
say 1pm - 2.30pm--- I have met a few other cantabs doing GRE (you know, you just sort of recognised them in the exam hall, and then went to chat to them afterwards to confirm your suspicion?) and we all headed for lunch at Hard Rock Cafe. Expensive, but nice. First time being in a Hard Rock Cafe...
2.30pm - 5.20pm--- I split up with the cantabs and went on my own sightseeing and frantic photo taking journey. Walking for almost 3 hours with a heavy backpack is and always will be TIRING! I took LOADS of photos, at the same time my back and my shoulder ached a great deal. As I started my window shopping at around 4.30pm (as it's dark and no more pics to be taken then), I was dying to find somewhere to sit and rest. After a few shops, I simply broke down onto a bench on Briggate. I was outside but it was not cold at all. I looked around the street, people are either paired up, with/without kids, or in groups. And guess what? Natually I.... :'(
That's when my darling called.
5.20pm- 10pm--- Making my way back to Cambridge. Leaving this lovely city was not easy, but I was tired and needed comfort of my room! I made my way to the station, got on the train to Stevenage, this time, I found myself a seat in a non-smoking coach. I ended up with a more relaxing journey when I could take a nap. Changed train at Stevenage and got back to Cambridge at around 9pm. Waiting for the bus to take me back to the city centre seemed to take forever. It was freezing cold then. After I reached the town centre, bought myself a pack of microwavable meatball spaghetti in tomato sauce from Sainsbury (right, that's my dinner sorted) and finally got back to my room at 10 pm! Nonono, my day did not end there! I then did laundry (believe it or not?), loaded my pics on the computer and started blogging (which obviously did not complete till this moment in time).
end 3.16am 15/12/2004
Thursday, December 09, 2004
KETTLE BROKEN DOWN~~
Could say that today was just another ordinary day. Got into this bad bad habit of sleeping late (not intentionally, I just can't sleep even I go to bed early!), getting up late...I dreaded getting up too (Mild depression symptom?). MY KETTLE BROKE DOWN! Went down to department at around 1pm, having had a Sam Smiley's Chicken Californian Ciabatta (Yum!) got down to read my GRE book. I really should be reading now, but anyway...feeling quite weak these days, emotionally and physically, and many people around me are ill!!! Please please please...don't cough next to me without covering your mouth!!! I 've got an exam on Sat and I don't wanna be ill! Ian ian ian...when will I be able to see you again??? I am really going mad one of these days! Went to Argos and got myself a new Kettle for 5.75GBP (fair enough). Thanks Kai (the one from Christ's, not Fitz) for the dinner at Christ's, the movie "Bo Law Yau Wong Chi", and walking me back to New Hall! I felt much better after the movie! It was funny but also deep nevertheless. Will join you tomorrow again for dinner!
Who's gonna be free on Sunday and could help me moving room??? PLEASE.....>_< Apparently I may have to move to Hammond House (where I don't wanna go)!!!!
Who's gonna be free on Sunday and could help me moving room??? PLEASE.....>_< Apparently I may have to move to Hammond House (where I don't wanna go)!!!!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
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THANKFUL~
Late night (2.20am), not particularly constructive...time for blog! Monday...4 more days and I have to travel to LEEDS on my own. I was so stressed today (6th Dec), got up late 11.15am, felt exceptionally guilty, ate a banana, drank a cup of coffee, read the news...and wanted to go to the library...but I did not go 'cos the accommodation thing at Leeds really bugged me, then I spent the WHOLE AFTERNOON searching for the cheapest possible accommodation within town centre, also wrote to the accommodation office at Leeds U, they replied within half an hour saying they do not offer accommodation to non- Leeds U students, and suggested me to try TravelLodge and Ibis. So... I tried TRAVEL LODGE, but then they did not have anymore 25 pounds offer, left with the 45 pounds double bed ones, and it's actually the best deal I could find, after compromising the distance and costs factor (Travellodge is in fact almost next to Leeds train station and at the heart of city centre). I settled with that deal after 3 more hours of further searches. Now...hehe...hope there's someone out there who wants to share half a bed with me so I can split the cost! kaka.... Yeah, so I wasted the whole day sorting out the accommodation at Leeds, and I panicked about my GRE revision! There are still tonnes to read! I could feel the stress burning inside me during the day, and I didnt have the mood to do any shopping nor have a proper meal, so I got through the day with bananas, Boasters, and Special K (without milk), eventually I cooked myself some noodles at 8.45pm. Then went to Kai's room with Boffin...to make CHOCOLATE FONDUE! Poor Kaikai....is getting a sore throat..hope you get better a.s.a.p!!!!!
Yeah, feeling sort of depressing that most of my best friends are leaving one by one for Christmas back in HK. My weekend was not constructive either, I spent Saturday finding a nice cheap restaurant to hold our little "horhor group/nite punting to Granchester group" 's Christmas dinner that evening. After about 2 hours search, I settled with Pizza Express @ Jesus Lane. It has a really great Christmas menu for 14.95 pounds (3 courses, with complimentary coffee afterwards! Cheap by UK standard I must say). The atmosphere was terrific, the waiters were polite, and the food was lovely too. After that, we all went to Gary's room at Corpus Christi College, playing cards (Com Min Toy, Chim Woo Guay, 7 Cup Chu, and Big-two). It's was fun! Leelee (Lydia) and SamSam left at around 1am, leaving Kaikai, and me (DaDa) in Gary's room. We just chat and chat for 3 and a half hours (left at 4.30am...was planning to walk, but decided to take a cab once we got out since it's too quiet and SCARY)! INCREDIBLE! I felt so happy that night, perhaps for the first time since I am in Cambridge, that I have some friends who I can really trust, who would listen and share my views, worries, feelings; and would evaluate them with me; while having great fun at the same time. I will never forget how grateful I am, and how much I appreciate them being in my life. If I have never come to Cambridge, I guess I will never find someone like them.
Thankyou. (3.00am)
Yeah, feeling sort of depressing that most of my best friends are leaving one by one for Christmas back in HK. My weekend was not constructive either, I spent Saturday finding a nice cheap restaurant to hold our little "horhor group/nite punting to Granchester group" 's Christmas dinner that evening. After about 2 hours search, I settled with Pizza Express @ Jesus Lane. It has a really great Christmas menu for 14.95 pounds (3 courses, with complimentary coffee afterwards! Cheap by UK standard I must say). The atmosphere was terrific, the waiters were polite, and the food was lovely too. After that, we all went to Gary's room at Corpus Christi College, playing cards (Com Min Toy, Chim Woo Guay, 7 Cup Chu, and Big-two). It's was fun! Leelee (Lydia) and SamSam left at around 1am, leaving Kaikai, and me (DaDa) in Gary's room. We just chat and chat for 3 and a half hours (left at 4.30am...was planning to walk, but decided to take a cab once we got out since it's too quiet and SCARY)! INCREDIBLE! I felt so happy that night, perhaps for the first time since I am in Cambridge, that I have some friends who I can really trust, who would listen and share my views, worries, feelings; and would evaluate them with me; while having great fun at the same time. I will never forget how grateful I am, and how much I appreciate them being in my life. If I have never come to Cambridge, I guess I will never find someone like them.
Thankyou. (3.00am)
Saturday, December 04, 2004
FEEL AND THINK~
These days,I 've been trying to FEEL and THINK more about things going on around me.
This morning, I got up at 7.30am (very early by my standard), determined to go to the morning devotional group which Sam organises. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed since last night Fitz Ball was right next door and I couldnt get to sleep till at least 3am. Moreover, I was not looking forward to walking down Castle Hill in this freezing cold weather...It was a PAIN!
Anyway, Let's talk about why I decided to go to the devotional group. I really don't know how to put this into words, but I must try.
I was so drawn to the faith when I relate myself as Children of God, as in I exist because of my parents' existence. They would not be there without my grandparents. My grandparents would not have existed without my great grand parents...etc...it would ultimately trace back to GOD. I was also so thankful with everything I see, everyone I meet, everyday I spend so peacefully.....Everything is just beautiful in its own way. Since my baptism and confirmation at age 15, for awhile I had been dedicated in going to church and praying at meal times etc. During Lower Sixth, I even took part in the Parish's Parochial Church Committee, helping to make decisions about the church. When I got to Upper Sixth, I started to feel that I could make use of the time going to the Church by doing something more useful, instead of being passive by sitting, listening and thinking inside the Church. Since people are made in God's image (learnt from GCSE Religious Studies), I might well put in effort in serving people, similarly I would be serving God in turn, and actually demonstrate what a Christian should do. Thus, every sunday instead of going to Church, I volunteered to work in the hospital as Ward Assistant. I spent long time there on Sunday mornings (much longer than the time spent in Church, and I got up at 6.45am), I made beds, chat to patients, fed them, asked them if they would like to be taken to the hospital chapel, if they would like to go, I would take them down by wheelchair and accompany them throughout the service. I felt that reaching out and helping people was something more worthwhile to do than sitting passively in Church...Since I was not born into a Christian family, my parents have no habit of going to church, and it's never really had been a routine for me. On Sunday mornings, mum prefers me not to go out and stay to have breakfast together as a family.
Then I got into Cambridge, joined Fitzwilliam College Chapel Choir, singing Evensong on sundays conveniently served as my worhshipping slot of the week. I just could not afford to go anywhere else for worshipping when what I really needed was time (for struggling with work). Yes, I did try going to fellowship, and enjoyed it to start with, after awhile I just felt it's not the mode of worship for me some how. I did not feel very comfortable with it.
I did have moments when I felt touched while I was attending services and friends' baptism ceremony, now I am not able to attribute the source of this feeling is from, I would say MAY BE it's holy spirit (When I really should be so confident in saying "it must be due to holy spirit calling on my soul.") Why is this uncertainty? My doubts from March, 2003 still have not been resolved. As I get older, I drift further away from God and have more questions. My mind is always trying to solve paradoxes (there are just too many, and I cannot describe! I think about one for one time, and then switch to thinking about another at another time...) Just that the answers/explanations I get from the Christians I know are not very convincing and somewhat ambiguous. Yes I know what I am lacking is faith, the faith to believe in the not so logical arguments. If I think of myself as a true believer, I would be saying how God gives me wisdom and logic, and that I should not question why such explanation is illogical and ambiguous, since afterall, we can never understand God, his intention and plans. He is the Creator and we are the created. He is almighty and perfect, and He is the truth. But...how I used to take the idea of God for granted? Anyone must have been challenged with this ," What if God does not exist?" and there has been numerous philosophical arguments about whether He does exist or not. Some philosophers say the fact that we possess an idea of God, an ideal, perfect being who's almighty, is the proof of the existence of God. Counterargument of that would be we have an idea of how a unicorn should be like, but do unicorn exist? It's only a mythical figure. Well, the thing is that we cannot prove its existence nor its non-existence. It might exist, in a world unknown to us. Similarly, it could be argued that God exists, but he is not seen by us, he exist in a world unknown to us, but watching us. It's all very fine and well. On the other hand, one thought which struck me was about evolution. One would be too extreme to refute the evidence supporting the evolution theory. It's unreasonable to say that God deliberately put the dinosaur's fossil there to mislead us about the dinosaurs. More and more converging biological evidence which we cannot ignore...I think that evolution and what's written in Genesis aint mutually exclusive, instead, Genesis is more like an analogy (I am probably not the only one who thinks this way) of what could have happened in the past. Now, let's look at it the other way, what if the idea "God" is in fact a product of our evolution? Without this idealism, we have never got to the stage we are now. It is the idea of a "Higher being who watches over us" which enable our ancestors and human nowadays to take risks, to go through hard times without giving up and to flourish. If the idea "God" really is a product of our evolution, when about did it arise in our evolutionary history? And if I treat this as my sole explanation of GOD, then I would be messing up the cause and effect that a Christian should take. A Christian should believe in GOD as the ultimate cause, we exist because of God created us, and not the other way round. NOT that God exists because we THINK that He exists...
See? I guess one would start to understand what sort of paradox I have been trying to figure out. It's like a loop which goes on and on, going back to the same point. I know perfectly well that in order to get out of it, I should just have faith, and believe simply. But I am not yet ready! And I need more time!
At this moment in time I cannot think about further to write about my faith, but the above is sort of pointing to the direction that I was going from an up point to a down point in my belief (after a brief discussion with Samuel today at lunch). Today I went to Sam's early morning devotional group, was due to a need to rediscover my faith. I want to make an effort to get up early in the morning. Indeed, the time spent was well worthed, I felt exceeding peaceful afterwards. I thank Sam, Lydia and Cherry for their support when I talked through my worries. I have not yet learnt to muster up the courage to pray out loud. But in my heart I was praying for my friends that their worries would be swept away, and that they will not feel troubled in making decisions about the future, running the society etc.
I've been following the news quite closely these days, the HUNG WAN BOON DOU (紅灣半島) case is really driving me nuts. Instinct tells me and surely most people who got a slightest bit of conscience that taking down the newly built estate is SIMPLY WRONG, UTTERLY WRONG AND ETHICALLY FOUNDAMENTALLY WRONG! One can read the arguments of both sides on the newspaper, so I could not be bothered to write them here as it's 2am in the morning and there are still a few bits I wanna write about. Well, obviously I am PRO KEEPING HUNG WAN BOON DOU. I was amused by how shameless the properties agency is, their meaningless and powerless arguments are sickening. They have no sense of environmental protection...taking the building down in a most environmental way is simply a bluff to fool some foolish HK citizens (perhaps the government as well). An enterprise should not care about profits only. Profits is important and primary, but one trustworthy enterprise would also care about its reputation and how ethical each of their venture is. Furthermore, in this case, suppose they really go on and take down Hung Wan Boon Dou, and built some luxurious flats, how likely are they going to be sold? I don't consider the likelihood to be very high, considering the flats close by (BOON DOU HO TING 半島豪庭) did not sell very well and there are still a large no. of them being vacant. There are also loads of new flats building right in front of Hung Wan Boon Dou 's site right now (HOI CHING HIN海澄軒). Therefore, it's highly likely that by the time the new flats are built, HK would probably be undergoing another downfall in property prices (touchwood! but who knows?). Surely they are so EAGER to see more and more middle-classed people going bankrupted and committing suicides. Hong Kong people are not as rich as they think I must say, when those flats in HUNG WAN BOON DOU are just ideal for most young working people to start on investing their homes, the properties agency break their dreams by deciding to take down the whole NEWLY BUILT ESTATE! Moreover, let's not talk about money, HK is already facing a big enough pollution problem, taking down the estate would simply means more RUBBISH! Does the properties agency have any common sense? While Economic Recovery is only a temporary state, it crashes from time to time, but it's REVERSIBLE. Why bother in trying to produce an illusion to HK people when all of a sudden it would just crash and break down into trails of smoke? On the other hand, once the earth is ruined, it's IRREVERSIBLE...Do they understand the term IRREVERSIBLE? Surely the one who made this sort of decision is a HUMAN, who lives on THE EARTH, and hopefully would have kids and would like to have descendants!? Then how can he make such selfish decision which would ruin his own home planet, for himself, for his fellow HK citizens, for his own descendants (those in the future)? He should get his priorities straight! Without the earth, he would not exist, if he doesnt exist, he would not be there making such ruthless, unethical decision about ruining the earth's environment and exploiting its resources. Oh well, I wonder if he/ the agency can see the reasoning behind this...I hope they are not that stupid. No one is gonna buy those flats after this big fuss. At least I won't. HOW I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE TAKING DOWN FROM HAPPENING!!!! WHAT COULD I DO??? >_<>.
On a brighter note, I also read from the news that the headmaster from Fresh Fish Traders' School has promised his students whoever handed in all their homework from now on til the end of this academic year, a trip to HK disneyland! The headmaster is just so GREAT! I admire him because he does so much for his students to improve on their learning conditions and he is truly thinking on behalf of their welfare. He also tries to make learning more fun to his students. A really great Headmaster with a warm heart. FRESH FISH TRADERS' SCHOOL was the school I worked for in ACCESS HK during summer 2003, the students there were just adorable! I truly wish that the school could carry on from strength to strength!
That's it for today, it's already 4.12.2004 2.44am
This morning, I got up at 7.30am (very early by my standard), determined to go to the morning devotional group which Sam organises. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed since last night Fitz Ball was right next door and I couldnt get to sleep till at least 3am. Moreover, I was not looking forward to walking down Castle Hill in this freezing cold weather...It was a PAIN!
Anyway, Let's talk about why I decided to go to the devotional group. I really don't know how to put this into words, but I must try.
I was so drawn to the faith when I relate myself as Children of God, as in I exist because of my parents' existence. They would not be there without my grandparents. My grandparents would not have existed without my great grand parents...etc...it would ultimately trace back to GOD. I was also so thankful with everything I see, everyone I meet, everyday I spend so peacefully.....Everything is just beautiful in its own way. Since my baptism and confirmation at age 15, for awhile I had been dedicated in going to church and praying at meal times etc. During Lower Sixth, I even took part in the Parish's Parochial Church Committee, helping to make decisions about the church. When I got to Upper Sixth, I started to feel that I could make use of the time going to the Church by doing something more useful, instead of being passive by sitting, listening and thinking inside the Church. Since people are made in God's image (learnt from GCSE Religious Studies), I might well put in effort in serving people, similarly I would be serving God in turn, and actually demonstrate what a Christian should do. Thus, every sunday instead of going to Church, I volunteered to work in the hospital as Ward Assistant. I spent long time there on Sunday mornings (much longer than the time spent in Church, and I got up at 6.45am), I made beds, chat to patients, fed them, asked them if they would like to be taken to the hospital chapel, if they would like to go, I would take them down by wheelchair and accompany them throughout the service. I felt that reaching out and helping people was something more worthwhile to do than sitting passively in Church...Since I was not born into a Christian family, my parents have no habit of going to church, and it's never really had been a routine for me. On Sunday mornings, mum prefers me not to go out and stay to have breakfast together as a family.
Then I got into Cambridge, joined Fitzwilliam College Chapel Choir, singing Evensong on sundays conveniently served as my worhshipping slot of the week. I just could not afford to go anywhere else for worshipping when what I really needed was time (for struggling with work). Yes, I did try going to fellowship, and enjoyed it to start with, after awhile I just felt it's not the mode of worship for me some how. I did not feel very comfortable with it.
I did have moments when I felt touched while I was attending services and friends' baptism ceremony, now I am not able to attribute the source of this feeling is from, I would say MAY BE it's holy spirit (When I really should be so confident in saying "it must be due to holy spirit calling on my soul.") Why is this uncertainty? My doubts from March, 2003 still have not been resolved. As I get older, I drift further away from God and have more questions. My mind is always trying to solve paradoxes (there are just too many, and I cannot describe! I think about one for one time, and then switch to thinking about another at another time...) Just that the answers/explanations I get from the Christians I know are not very convincing and somewhat ambiguous. Yes I know what I am lacking is faith, the faith to believe in the not so logical arguments. If I think of myself as a true believer, I would be saying how God gives me wisdom and logic, and that I should not question why such explanation is illogical and ambiguous, since afterall, we can never understand God, his intention and plans. He is the Creator and we are the created. He is almighty and perfect, and He is the truth. But...how I used to take the idea of God for granted? Anyone must have been challenged with this ," What if God does not exist?" and there has been numerous philosophical arguments about whether He does exist or not. Some philosophers say the fact that we possess an idea of God, an ideal, perfect being who's almighty, is the proof of the existence of God. Counterargument of that would be we have an idea of how a unicorn should be like, but do unicorn exist? It's only a mythical figure. Well, the thing is that we cannot prove its existence nor its non-existence. It might exist, in a world unknown to us. Similarly, it could be argued that God exists, but he is not seen by us, he exist in a world unknown to us, but watching us. It's all very fine and well. On the other hand, one thought which struck me was about evolution. One would be too extreme to refute the evidence supporting the evolution theory. It's unreasonable to say that God deliberately put the dinosaur's fossil there to mislead us about the dinosaurs. More and more converging biological evidence which we cannot ignore...I think that evolution and what's written in Genesis aint mutually exclusive, instead, Genesis is more like an analogy (I am probably not the only one who thinks this way) of what could have happened in the past. Now, let's look at it the other way, what if the idea "God" is in fact a product of our evolution? Without this idealism, we have never got to the stage we are now. It is the idea of a "Higher being who watches over us" which enable our ancestors and human nowadays to take risks, to go through hard times without giving up and to flourish. If the idea "God" really is a product of our evolution, when about did it arise in our evolutionary history? And if I treat this as my sole explanation of GOD, then I would be messing up the cause and effect that a Christian should take. A Christian should believe in GOD as the ultimate cause, we exist because of God created us, and not the other way round. NOT that God exists because we THINK that He exists...
See? I guess one would start to understand what sort of paradox I have been trying to figure out. It's like a loop which goes on and on, going back to the same point. I know perfectly well that in order to get out of it, I should just have faith, and believe simply. But I am not yet ready! And I need more time!
At this moment in time I cannot think about further to write about my faith, but the above is sort of pointing to the direction that I was going from an up point to a down point in my belief (after a brief discussion with Samuel today at lunch). Today I went to Sam's early morning devotional group, was due to a need to rediscover my faith. I want to make an effort to get up early in the morning. Indeed, the time spent was well worthed, I felt exceeding peaceful afterwards. I thank Sam, Lydia and Cherry for their support when I talked through my worries. I have not yet learnt to muster up the courage to pray out loud. But in my heart I was praying for my friends that their worries would be swept away, and that they will not feel troubled in making decisions about the future, running the society etc.
I've been following the news quite closely these days, the HUNG WAN BOON DOU (紅灣半島) case is really driving me nuts. Instinct tells me and surely most people who got a slightest bit of conscience that taking down the newly built estate is SIMPLY WRONG, UTTERLY WRONG AND ETHICALLY FOUNDAMENTALLY WRONG! One can read the arguments of both sides on the newspaper, so I could not be bothered to write them here as it's 2am in the morning and there are still a few bits I wanna write about. Well, obviously I am PRO KEEPING HUNG WAN BOON DOU. I was amused by how shameless the properties agency is, their meaningless and powerless arguments are sickening. They have no sense of environmental protection...taking the building down in a most environmental way is simply a bluff to fool some foolish HK citizens (perhaps the government as well). An enterprise should not care about profits only. Profits is important and primary, but one trustworthy enterprise would also care about its reputation and how ethical each of their venture is. Furthermore, in this case, suppose they really go on and take down Hung Wan Boon Dou, and built some luxurious flats, how likely are they going to be sold? I don't consider the likelihood to be very high, considering the flats close by (BOON DOU HO TING 半島豪庭) did not sell very well and there are still a large no. of them being vacant. There are also loads of new flats building right in front of Hung Wan Boon Dou 's site right now (HOI CHING HIN海澄軒). Therefore, it's highly likely that by the time the new flats are built, HK would probably be undergoing another downfall in property prices (touchwood! but who knows?). Surely they are so EAGER to see more and more middle-classed people going bankrupted and committing suicides. Hong Kong people are not as rich as they think I must say, when those flats in HUNG WAN BOON DOU are just ideal for most young working people to start on investing their homes, the properties agency break their dreams by deciding to take down the whole NEWLY BUILT ESTATE! Moreover, let's not talk about money, HK is already facing a big enough pollution problem, taking down the estate would simply means more RUBBISH! Does the properties agency have any common sense? While Economic Recovery is only a temporary state, it crashes from time to time, but it's REVERSIBLE. Why bother in trying to produce an illusion to HK people when all of a sudden it would just crash and break down into trails of smoke? On the other hand, once the earth is ruined, it's IRREVERSIBLE...Do they understand the term IRREVERSIBLE? Surely the one who made this sort of decision is a HUMAN, who lives on THE EARTH, and hopefully would have kids and would like to have descendants!? Then how can he make such selfish decision which would ruin his own home planet, for himself, for his fellow HK citizens, for his own descendants (those in the future)? He should get his priorities straight! Without the earth, he would not exist, if he doesnt exist, he would not be there making such ruthless, unethical decision about ruining the earth's environment and exploiting its resources. Oh well, I wonder if he/ the agency can see the reasoning behind this...I hope they are not that stupid. No one is gonna buy those flats after this big fuss. At least I won't. HOW I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE TAKING DOWN FROM HAPPENING!!!! WHAT COULD I DO??? >_<>.
On a brighter note, I also read from the news that the headmaster from Fresh Fish Traders' School has promised his students whoever handed in all their homework from now on til the end of this academic year, a trip to HK disneyland! The headmaster is just so GREAT! I admire him because he does so much for his students to improve on their learning conditions and he is truly thinking on behalf of their welfare. He also tries to make learning more fun to his students. A really great Headmaster with a warm heart. FRESH FISH TRADERS' SCHOOL was the school I worked for in ACCESS HK during summer 2003, the students there were just adorable! I truly wish that the school could carry on from strength to strength!
That's it for today, it's already 4.12.2004 2.44am
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) !?
I just cannot set my heart to work. I have been under achieving this term. I might well write a long long essay about my life is during this Depressive November (it's December already... what? really?). It only struck me recently when I saw Leo's MSN nick "the final week of Michaelmas Term of the final year" that I am actually in the third year. In half a year's time, I will be graduating from Cambridge!
The first half of the term was filled with some sort of joy and excitment, but when it came to the second half of the term, my life became full of uncertainties, doubts, anguish. Could it be due to the weather? Every year I feel some what grey when it reaches the winter months, but before I knew I could go home then. This year, I AM NOT GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS for the first time ever! On one hand, I am so determined to stay and I know perfectly well how much I need the time to catch up with my work. On the other hand, I can't help feeling bitter about everyone's leaving.
SO...I have not really written anywhere about how I've been doing during my final Michaelmas Term at Cambridge. A not so brief summary:
- Embarked on 4 paper course on Psychology Part II + one paper course on Medical Ethics and Law + a Dissertation on "Pharmacotherapy versus Cognitive Therapy in Depression" (How interesting! I am not being Sarcastic!) I must say how much I love Psychology! Yes, work is tough but I enjoy it! Comparing with my 1st and 2nd years, I think I feel most comfortable this year. Sometimes I stay in the department til 9pm , and even going there at some weekends, I do not loathe it. It's so abnormal for me. Medical Law is absurdly hard, the lecturers just keep on "BLAH-RING" for one whole hour and there are no SLIDES!! I am so not used to lectures WITHOUT SLIDES ! Cleverly I record them... (Is it illegal? I don't care. It's for self use anyway). Ethics lectures are hard but at least enjoyable, with excellent witty lecturers. Well, one is not meant to understand a Cambridge lecture on the spot really (yeah right!)...it takes time to ponder on and reflect upon. One thing I really need to improve on....NOTE TAKING! Half of my course this year has already gone by, 8 more weeks of lecture next term, and here we go, REVISIONS FOR FINALS!!!!
- Go to the GYM at NEW HALL in LATE EVENINGS (@ 11pm mostly~)
- Wrote a few essays <--------- that's why I say I am behind with my work! Though I have been doing quite a lot of reading. I will have to do some during the vacation. TARGET: at least 1 a week!
- Went to quite a number of Management Consultancies' presentations and Case Studies workshops. (Though I have never really thought of becoming a management consultant nor anything heavily businessy/ financial. I guess it's cool to learn a bit more about what other people do while sharpening my mind.)
- Went to a number of formal halls (approximately one a week), plus dining out some time with friends. Finally tried LA TASCA (a Spanish restaurant) and a few new places (ok..at this point i realise I cannot type Chinese in this post)
-Being obsessed about Chocolate Fondue (yes...I even had dreams about it)
- Joined First Aid Society... So UNFAIR, I paid 10 Pounds membership fee and I am not even on the mailing list? Kai and I didn't get a place to do the Manual Handling course...and have not attended anything since... I AM SO GONNA CLAIM FOR A REFUND!
- Going around celebrating ppl's birthday. Oh yeah, this is the last chance I get before graduation!
No matter whether I have been working efficiently or not, this term is drawing close to the end, all I can do is to work hard this vacation and the coming 6 months, and see what turns out!
Yeah, to the point why I feel pretty gloomy at times, one reason: "IAN-SICKNESS!" (cf homesickness) Last night I went to the CICCU 's Carol Service at St. Mary's the Great Church with my bunch of lovely friends, it's become a routine for me, why is that? Because, 2 years ago, Ian and I went there after our very first date. Even now we've been apart for a year and a half already, sitting on the Church bench singing carols, I could not help thinking about what happened exactly 104 weeks ago (and sob sob)...Perhaps one who understands me well would know how I feel, I have a rational and irrational/emotional self. They like to fight. Just like what I wrote in the journal in September regarding his visit to HK.... So what now? I (my rational self) know perfectly well how much he loves me, and appreciates all the efforts he makes (one can only make limited efforts), like the telephone calls, webcaming ...despite his heavy workload in his law firm. Also the fact that we are so compatibile in so many ways, I just don't wanna give up. Moreover, I just cannot visualise my life without him, he being out of my life is too much for me to bear. It has gotta be love. Perhaps it is the value I added to this relationship which causes my sadness? My irrational self sometimes feel upset. I complain about the duration of time we spend apart, without each other's embraces and warmth which I need enormously in this depressing, cold place. I have no idea when exactly we will see each other again. Perhaps I am not making enough efforts? My rational self understands that he would be feeling as frustrated as I am, and that meanwhile we must carry on with FAITH and PATIENCE. Well, I am weak and my irrational self doesn't like keeping quiet....lonliness doesn't subside, I need somebody to cure my loneliness..... My rational self and strong will will come back anytime for sure to defeat this negative thought....when the weather is nice again:)
(I have actually counted that I have quite a number of symptoms of clinical depression, perhaps not a severe one, but surely a mild one...but I think I can cure myself)
I never write about my love for someone so exlicitly, it is due to after reading a friend's blog, I realised "what so embarassed to talk about? It is true, it's there, I should let u know!" Surely we are together not to prove to others that long distance relationship does work, but the fact that we want to keep our love for each other going strong.
10 days to my GRE (Graduates Records Examination) Psychology exams in LEEDS! And I have not started revising seriously. I keep telling myself it aint that hard... ^^" wish me luck!
The first half of the term was filled with some sort of joy and excitment, but when it came to the second half of the term, my life became full of uncertainties, doubts, anguish. Could it be due to the weather? Every year I feel some what grey when it reaches the winter months, but before I knew I could go home then. This year, I AM NOT GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS for the first time ever! On one hand, I am so determined to stay and I know perfectly well how much I need the time to catch up with my work. On the other hand, I can't help feeling bitter about everyone's leaving.
SO...I have not really written anywhere about how I've been doing during my final Michaelmas Term at Cambridge. A not so brief summary:
- Embarked on 4 paper course on Psychology Part II + one paper course on Medical Ethics and Law + a Dissertation on "Pharmacotherapy versus Cognitive Therapy in Depression" (How interesting! I am not being Sarcastic!) I must say how much I love Psychology! Yes, work is tough but I enjoy it! Comparing with my 1st and 2nd years, I think I feel most comfortable this year. Sometimes I stay in the department til 9pm , and even going there at some weekends, I do not loathe it. It's so abnormal for me. Medical Law is absurdly hard, the lecturers just keep on "BLAH-RING" for one whole hour and there are no SLIDES!! I am so not used to lectures WITHOUT SLIDES ! Cleverly I record them... (Is it illegal? I don't care. It's for self use anyway). Ethics lectures are hard but at least enjoyable, with excellent witty lecturers. Well, one is not meant to understand a Cambridge lecture on the spot really (yeah right!)...it takes time to ponder on and reflect upon. One thing I really need to improve on....NOTE TAKING! Half of my course this year has already gone by, 8 more weeks of lecture next term, and here we go, REVISIONS FOR FINALS!!!!
- Go to the GYM at NEW HALL in LATE EVENINGS (@ 11pm mostly~)
- Wrote a few essays <--------- that's why I say I am behind with my work! Though I have been doing quite a lot of reading. I will have to do some during the vacation. TARGET: at least 1 a week!
- Went to quite a number of Management Consultancies' presentations and Case Studies workshops. (Though I have never really thought of becoming a management consultant nor anything heavily businessy/ financial. I guess it's cool to learn a bit more about what other people do while sharpening my mind.)
- Trying very hard to polish my CV and wrote a really crap cover letter. Also attempting to make a few job applications (not saying to where...wait till I get a job offer). I am still unsure about what I want to do apart from Clinical Psychology. Human Resources probably? Yesterday, Cecilia told me how she always thought I would make a great Human Resources Officer/Manager, since I am friendly and can make conversation with virtually anyone (Is that true? I am keen to communicate, but not sure if people like talking to me!!).
- Had my first attempt of Aptitude Tests and Personality Test in the Careers Service. (Will write more about the Personality Test later)- Went to a number of formal halls (approximately one a week), plus dining out some time with friends. Finally tried LA TASCA (a Spanish restaurant) and a few new places (ok..at this point i realise I cannot type Chinese in this post)
-Being obsessed about Chocolate Fondue (yes...I even had dreams about it)
- Joined First Aid Society... So UNFAIR, I paid 10 Pounds membership fee and I am not even on the mailing list? Kai and I didn't get a place to do the Manual Handling course...and have not attended anything since... I AM SO GONNA CLAIM FOR A REFUND!
- Going around celebrating ppl's birthday. Oh yeah, this is the last chance I get before graduation!
No matter whether I have been working efficiently or not, this term is drawing close to the end, all I can do is to work hard this vacation and the coming 6 months, and see what turns out!
Yeah, to the point why I feel pretty gloomy at times, one reason: "IAN-SICKNESS!" (cf homesickness) Last night I went to the CICCU 's Carol Service at St. Mary's the Great Church with my bunch of lovely friends, it's become a routine for me, why is that? Because, 2 years ago, Ian and I went there after our very first date. Even now we've been apart for a year and a half already, sitting on the Church bench singing carols, I could not help thinking about what happened exactly 104 weeks ago (and sob sob)...Perhaps one who understands me well would know how I feel, I have a rational and irrational/emotional self. They like to fight. Just like what I wrote in the journal in September regarding his visit to HK.... So what now? I (my rational self) know perfectly well how much he loves me, and appreciates all the efforts he makes (one can only make limited efforts), like the telephone calls, webcaming ...despite his heavy workload in his law firm. Also the fact that we are so compatibile in so many ways, I just don't wanna give up. Moreover, I just cannot visualise my life without him, he being out of my life is too much for me to bear. It has gotta be love. Perhaps it is the value I added to this relationship which causes my sadness? My irrational self sometimes feel upset. I complain about the duration of time we spend apart, without each other's embraces and warmth which I need enormously in this depressing, cold place. I have no idea when exactly we will see each other again. Perhaps I am not making enough efforts? My rational self understands that he would be feeling as frustrated as I am, and that meanwhile we must carry on with FAITH and PATIENCE. Well, I am weak and my irrational self doesn't like keeping quiet....lonliness doesn't subside, I need somebody to cure my loneliness..... My rational self and strong will will come back anytime for sure to defeat this negative thought....when the weather is nice again:)
(I have actually counted that I have quite a number of symptoms of clinical depression, perhaps not a severe one, but surely a mild one...but I think I can cure myself)
I never write about my love for someone so exlicitly, it is due to after reading a friend's blog, I realised "what so embarassed to talk about? It is true, it's there, I should let u know!" Surely we are together not to prove to others that long distance relationship does work, but the fact that we want to keep our love for each other going strong.
10 days to my GRE (Graduates Records Examination) Psychology exams in LEEDS! And I have not started revising seriously. I keep telling myself it aint that hard... ^^" wish me luck!
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