FEEL AND THINK~

These days,I 've been trying to FEEL and THINK more about things going on around me.

This morning, I got up at 7.30am (very early by my standard), determined to go to the morning devotional group which Sam organises. It's so hard to drag myself out of bed since last night Fitz Ball was right next door and I couldnt get to sleep till at least 3am. Moreover, I was not looking forward to walking down Castle Hill in this freezing cold weather...It was a PAIN!

Anyway, Let's talk about why I decided to go to the devotional group. I really don't know how to put this into words, but I must try.

I was so drawn to the faith when I relate myself as Children of God, as in I exist because of my parents' existence. They would not be there without my grandparents. My grandparents would not have existed without my great grand parents...etc...it would ultimately trace back to GOD. I was also so thankful with everything I see, everyone I meet, everyday I spend so peacefully.....Everything is just beautiful in its own way. Since my baptism and confirmation at age 15, for awhile I had been dedicated in going to church and praying at meal times etc. During Lower Sixth, I even took part in the Parish's Parochial Church Committee, helping to make decisions about the church. When I got to Upper Sixth, I started to feel that I could make use of the time going to the Church by doing something more useful, instead of being passive by sitting, listening and thinking inside the Church. Since people are made in God's image (learnt from GCSE Religious Studies), I might well put in effort in serving people, similarly I would be serving God in turn, and actually demonstrate what a Christian should do. Thus, every sunday instead of going to Church, I volunteered to work in the hospital as Ward Assistant. I spent long time there on Sunday mornings (much longer than the time spent in Church, and I got up at 6.45am), I made beds, chat to patients, fed them, asked them if they would like to be taken to the hospital chapel, if they would like to go, I would take them down by wheelchair and accompany them throughout the service. I felt that reaching out and helping people was something more worthwhile to do than sitting passively in Church...Since I was not born into a Christian family, my parents have no habit of going to church, and it's never really had been a routine for me. On Sunday mornings, mum prefers me not to go out and stay to have breakfast together as a family.

Then I got into Cambridge, joined Fitzwilliam College Chapel Choir, singing Evensong on sundays conveniently served as my worhshipping slot of the week. I just could not afford to go anywhere else for worshipping when what I really needed was time (for struggling with work). Yes, I did try going to fellowship, and enjoyed it to start with, after awhile I just felt it's not the mode of worship for me some how. I did not feel very comfortable with it.

I did have moments when I felt touched while I was attending services and friends' baptism ceremony, now I am not able to attribute the source of this feeling is from, I would say MAY BE it's holy spirit (When I really should be so confident in saying "it must be due to holy spirit calling on my soul.") Why is this uncertainty? My doubts from March, 2003 still have not been resolved. As I get older, I drift further away from God and have more questions. My mind is always trying to solve paradoxes (there are just too many, and I cannot describe! I think about one for one time, and then switch to thinking about another at another time...) Just that the answers/explanations I get from the Christians I know are not very convincing and somewhat ambiguous. Yes I know what I am lacking is faith, the faith to believe in the not so logical arguments. If I think of myself as a true believer, I would be saying how God gives me wisdom and logic, and that I should not question why such explanation is illogical and ambiguous, since afterall, we can never understand God, his intention and plans. He is the Creator and we are the created. He is almighty and perfect, and He is the truth. But...how I used to take the idea of God for granted? Anyone must have been challenged with this ," What if God does not exist?" and there has been numerous philosophical arguments about whether He does exist or not. Some philosophers say the fact that we possess an idea of God, an ideal, perfect being who's almighty, is the proof of the existence of God. Counterargument of that would be we have an idea of how a unicorn should be like, but do unicorn exist? It's only a mythical figure. Well, the thing is that we cannot prove its existence nor its non-existence. It might exist, in a world unknown to us. Similarly, it could be argued that God exists, but he is not seen by us, he exist in a world unknown to us, but watching us. It's all very fine and well. On the other hand, one thought which struck me was about evolution. One would be too extreme to refute the evidence supporting the evolution theory. It's unreasonable to say that God deliberately put the dinosaur's fossil there to mislead us about the dinosaurs. More and more converging biological evidence which we cannot ignore...I think that evolution and what's written in Genesis aint mutually exclusive, instead, Genesis is more like an analogy (I am probably not the only one who thinks this way) of what could have happened in the past. Now, let's look at it the other way, what if the idea "God" is in fact a product of our evolution? Without this idealism, we have never got to the stage we are now. It is the idea of a "Higher being who watches over us" which enable our ancestors and human nowadays to take risks, to go through hard times without giving up and to flourish. If the idea "God" really is a product of our evolution, when about did it arise in our evolutionary history? And if I treat this as my sole explanation of GOD, then I would be messing up the cause and effect that a Christian should take. A Christian should believe in GOD as the ultimate cause, we exist because of God created us, and not the other way round. NOT that God exists because we THINK that He exists...

See? I guess one would start to understand what sort of paradox I have been trying to figure out. It's like a loop which goes on and on, going back to the same point. I know perfectly well that in order to get out of it, I should just have faith, and believe simply. But I am not yet ready! And I need more time!

At this moment in time I cannot think about further to write about my faith, but the above is sort of pointing to the direction that I was going from an up point to a down point in my belief (after a brief discussion with Samuel today at lunch). Today I went to Sam's early morning devotional group, was due to a need to rediscover my faith. I want to make an effort to get up early in the morning. Indeed, the time spent was well worthed, I felt exceeding peaceful afterwards. I thank Sam, Lydia and Cherry for their support when I talked through my worries. I have not yet learnt to muster up the courage to pray out loud. But in my heart I was praying for my friends that their worries would be swept away, and that they will not feel troubled in making decisions about the future, running the society etc.

I've been following the news quite closely these days, the HUNG WAN BOON DOU (紅灣半島) case is really driving me nuts. Instinct tells me and surely most people who got a slightest bit of conscience that taking down the newly built estate is SIMPLY WRONG, UTTERLY WRONG AND ETHICALLY FOUNDAMENTALLY WRONG! One can read the arguments of both sides on the newspaper, so I could not be bothered to write them here as it's 2am in the morning and there are still a few bits I wanna write about. Well, obviously I am PRO KEEPING HUNG WAN BOON DOU. I was amused by how shameless the properties agency is, their meaningless and powerless arguments are sickening. They have no sense of environmental protection...taking the building down in a most environmental way is simply a bluff to fool some foolish HK citizens (perhaps the government as well). An enterprise should not care about profits only. Profits is important and primary, but one trustworthy enterprise would also care about its reputation and how ethical each of their venture is. Furthermore, in this case, suppose they really go on and take down Hung Wan Boon Dou, and built some luxurious flats, how likely are they going to be sold? I don't consider the likelihood to be very high, considering the flats close by (BOON DOU HO TING 半島豪庭) did not sell very well and there are still a large no. of them being vacant. There are also loads of new flats building right in front of Hung Wan Boon Dou 's site right now (HOI CHING HIN海澄軒). Therefore, it's highly likely that by the time the new flats are built, HK would probably be undergoing another downfall in property prices (touchwood! but who knows?). Surely they are so EAGER to see more and more middle-classed people going bankrupted and committing suicides. Hong Kong people are not as rich as they think I must say, when those flats in HUNG WAN BOON DOU are just ideal for most young working people to start on investing their homes, the properties agency break their dreams by deciding to take down the whole NEWLY BUILT ESTATE! Moreover, let's not talk about money, HK is already facing a big enough pollution problem, taking down the estate would simply means more RUBBISH! Does the properties agency have any common sense? While Economic Recovery is only a temporary state, it crashes from time to time, but it's REVERSIBLE. Why bother in trying to produce an illusion to HK people when all of a sudden it would just crash and break down into trails of smoke? On the other hand, once the earth is ruined, it's IRREVERSIBLE...Do they understand the term IRREVERSIBLE? Surely the one who made this sort of decision is a HUMAN, who lives on THE EARTH, and hopefully would have kids and would like to have descendants!? Then how can he make such selfish decision which would ruin his own home planet, for himself, for his fellow HK citizens, for his own descendants (those in the future)? He should get his priorities straight! Without the earth, he would not exist, if he doesnt exist, he would not be there making such ruthless, unethical decision about ruining the earth's environment and exploiting its resources. Oh well, I wonder if he/ the agency can see the reasoning behind this...I hope they are not that stupid. No one is gonna buy those flats after this big fuss. At least I won't. HOW I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE TAKING DOWN FROM HAPPENING!!!! WHAT COULD I DO??? >_<>.

On a brighter note, I also read from the news that the headmaster from Fresh Fish Traders' School has promised his students whoever handed in all their homework from now on til the end of this academic year, a trip to HK disneyland! The headmaster is just so GREAT! I admire him because he does so much for his students to improve on their learning conditions and he is truly thinking on behalf of their welfare. He also tries to make learning more fun to his students. A really great Headmaster with a warm heart. FRESH FISH TRADERS' SCHOOL was the school I worked for in ACCESS HK during summer 2003, the students there were just adorable! I truly wish that the school could carry on from strength to strength!

That's it for today, it's already 4.12.2004 2.44am