Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I must keep myself BUSY!!!!

"The reason you are thinking about something for long is because you are not happy with it."
Is this true?

Following on today's telephone conversation, and after one day of thinking, I consider the above statement as false. Because, if the above statement was true, then it means that " You would not be thinking about something if you are happy with it." also true. But when we have some happy experience, do we not think about it afterwards? We must have thought about the process of what we were doing which was pleasing to us in order to get the impression that the thing we were doing was happy. Is it not? We also think about happy memories. So, I decided that the statement does not describe why I am thinking about "it" so much these days, i.e. I am not unhappy about 'it'.

I have attributed my unhappiness due to various factors mentioned in previous blogs (hormonal imbalance, stress, adapting to new room, uncertain about future...). I guess not being able to see YOU (you know who you are) perhaps does contribute a little to my sadness. I will leave it at that.

The telephone conversation did bug me a lot. Yeah, I know I am young (age wise) and I should have fun and meet people while I can. I have been told that by a few guys before. But does having fun mean everything (it sounds too egocentric)? What is the definition of 'fun'? You've made it clear before, I remembered. From the talk of experience, you said to me," If you are unhappy, you should get out of it." I am puzzled. I am confused about whether I am unhappy or not. I reckon I am just experiencing conflict. Does conflict= sadness? If not, should it be interpreted as sadness?

You said you understand. You don't want me to feel bad even you would be disappointed. You said you want me to be happy and I should not be under obligation to not letting you down. Are they just excuses to get rid of me? You said no. The fact is, I do not feel obligated! Instead, I feel necessity. obligation sounds like it's coerced. I just feel that I do not have the ability to see someone else... You know, you being so mature and understanding just make me love you even more! I don't want to be parted from you. On the other hand, you are so rational that it somewhat freaks me out (when I think that I am rational enough)...

Okay, perhaps I seem sad, but in fact I am also glad to know that you really care about me. Never mention this issue again, you know why? If I don't love you anymore, I can break myself easily from you with no remorse. But I love you, so if I have to break myself away from you, it would be damn painful and I would be more sad than I am now. I would be thinking about you every second, every minute of the day, thinking about what you'd be doing, who you're with, where you are...I would not be able to pull myself away from thoughts about you. But then, I would have no rights to do so, 'cos we no longer belong to each other. Hey, this is sad! That's why I don't want it, just the thought of it makes me shiver. The only way to get rid of me is to make me hate you.

As you said you don't think about 'it' much because of how busy you are with work, I guess I must learn to be like you- I will keep myself as busy as you, then I can be like you, not thinking about 'it'.

Another thoughts just came to mind.We have shown the fundamental differences between the sexes. You are strong and not so affected by emotions because you are a man and also older? I am weak (loser-thinking..keke) and emotional because I am a woman?

I believe in COGNITIVE THERAPY. I can THINK until I get BETTER! I am determined to achieve that! So don't worry about me darling.
One cannot help to feel lonely, right? I am not unhappy about 'it'. Don't put thoughts in my head which blur my vision.
Am I too stubborn/naive or what?

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