Stress or depression?

Before I write anything else, I must thank Wilson and Leo for helping me out with the moving and dinner on Sunday, without them, I would be so screwed. Thanks you guys ever so much, I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it. I will cook dinner for you guys one of these days, promised!

I also have felt relatively pleased having read that Hung Wan Boon Dou紅灣半島 is not gonna be taken down any more. Thank god! That is indeed the correct corporate decision to make, glad they realise it at the end.

Late night blogging is becoming a habit.

I have been wondering why I have been so moody since my trip to Leeds and why I have not been able to sleep early, I 've been sleeping late and getting up exceptionally late, and getting a cold. I think I have got the answer.

Right, as far as I remember, I have been feeling shitty for more than 6 days. I am not sure whether it is stress/ major depression/ seasonal affective disorder/ hormonal imbalance or a combination of all the above. On average I cry at least once a day since last Wednesday, usually in bed, but the severity extends to normal waking life. I am not trying to get pity here. But I have never been so depressed in my life so far. This very moment I am feeling better and am determined to get out of this, and I will make sure I do so.

It's just weird, my body is giving me unexplainable signals/signs that I am suffering from something, but what is it? OK, I am trying to rationalise my depression symptoms on post stress disorder. Stress has caused my hormonal imbalance (or the other way round?) which in turn made me depressed. That must be it. As soon as I can rationalise the cause, I will be able to get over of it or at least I know it will be over some day. You would never know how much I am affected by my hormones.

So, I still think the hormone thing is only part of the story. When things does not go smoothly in life, these give labels to the physiological signs. Was I stressed while preparing for the GRE? I never thought I'd give myself stress, but it comes just like that. Unknowingly, I am suffering from the effects. I knew I have high expectation and I like things to turn out well. But I have thought that I have already lowered my standard to match the reality (that I am not that good). I also realised that the older I get, the worse I become in coping with stress. Why is that? My old coping strategies are not working anymore? Or in fact I have never used any strategies before since the stress I encountered previously had never been great? You know, stress coping strategies for me are inborn, they are subconscious. I utilise them without conscious notice. I don't even know how I've got through the past twenty years without realising that I have stress. It's time to learn some conscious stress coping strategies. I want to indulge in something. I desperately want..... a massage, nice chocolate, TLC and TWA <---- (see if you are smart enough to get this), at the moment, these just live in my head. Now: Afternoon of 16/12, I am starting to get over my depression, wanted to head down to the library, but once I turned on the computer, I could not pull myself away from it. Naughty Amanda! So here I am carrying one from my blog left off from last night. Chat to Felix on the phone for more than half an hour last night. End up going to bed at 3am, didnt get up till 12noon. I was determined to get up at 9am. I failed to achieve that. Nevermind. I am so gonna go to town when I finish this. Hormonal imbalance, stress...which is the causal factor?

Still, the story isn't complete.

Whenever I was alone, I would :'(

I was told that nothing could be done about it. I chose to stay in the UK over the vacation, and I would have to pay the price of not being able to see my love ones. If I have loads of money, then I could just fly back home (I want to go to Singapore!) for a few days whenever I want...but things aren't as simple as I want them to be. I am uncertain, uncertain about many things, I realise it's a stage when many 21yr olds will encounter at some point-- identity crisis! Where should I go after my graduation? or should I ask Where COULD I go after my graduation? I know I should do things I want to do, but I want to do many things! Will I be able to "shoot two birds with one stone"? As in getting Career as well as keeping my relationship? Am I thinking too much? Do I get depressed because of things are out of my control (it's exactly what depression is about --helplessness!) ? I know I really should not be thinking about the future issue too soon, because it will just disturb my studies. On the other hand, the thoughts just automatically go on and on revolving around my head. I was unable to get rid of them. I also could not help thinking of the worst possible scenario, and then end up feeling very grey. I am such a typical paranoid woman (girl?).

My conclusion for my depression-- a combination of stress +hormonal imbalance+paranoid about the future (the dark dark britisih winter doesnt help much either)+ adpating to my new room at Hammond House (I only just realise this as one of the potential stressors). Oh well. I am on my way of overcoming it and it's looking optimistic. Depression is somewhat disastrous, but the most important thing is to be able to get over it.

Feeling good now, I just bursted out everything I wanted to say to my darling. I am really thankful for my wonderful darling, who is so supportive always through thick and thin. Your words are couraging and precious to me. I cannot say I will never get sad again, but I will try not to. Because I know you would want me to be happy.

I also want to thank Mr. J, for sharing my problems and bearing my moodiness for the past 3 evenings...THANK YOU.

I WAS depressed. So what? ;)