There is ALWAYS tomorrow~

Exceptionally glad!

Today went to the Cambridge Havard debate organised by HKCAS, I simply admire and am amazed by the debators who are so quick-witted and articulate, how I wish I could be like that!

Came back and webcam with darling, so happy that he's still waiting for me even though it's almost 1am in Singapore! Hehe....he reads my blog....

( "make sure you read it more often..") (Hope that what I say hasn't posed any bad pressure on u ~~)

Tthe blog refuses to switch back to normal fonts.

Oh well, it was the conversation which made me feel really glad. I could sense the effort you are putting into this...The reasons u gave, like you sensed how sad I was and that you would be cheerful so that I could be influenced by it. I truly hope it's not something u felt obligated to do because you are my bf, but u did it because u wanted to. When I said I wanted to relive those memories, you said ,"There will always be tomorrow." YES indeed. I just cannot explain how glad I was when we talked, and it surprised me when u told me to go to Church!!! Everything you said, gave me a sense of security and reassurance.

I am trying to be happier, like how I used to be. Cambridge is a lovely place to study, but isn't a very healthy place for one's ego and self-esteem. How glad I am to be able to discover the true values here, the support I receive from my family, friends, darling and tutor/DoS. What is there to be unhappy about?

HAVE FAITH AND YOU WILL MOVE FORWARD!

hope ----> disappointment x N times

當無數次的希望
都化為失望之時
我突然想
問題是否出現在自己身上?
或許...
是我一直盲目地要求
而又沒真正的去付出?

做人應該要知足常樂
我的渴求難道過份了?
還是命運中注定了無只境的等待?
我常跟自己說
要善解人意
必須凡事體諒
更加不要給你無形的壓力
相反
我變相地被自己的壓力壓著
壓得傻傻兮兮
也有點神經質
心?還是想著同一個問題
到哪天可再相見?

Mouth Ulcers (fay ji)

How on earth could I get like 5 ulcers ??? and 3 of them are gigantic! The last time I had such a severe outbreak was when I was 16, which I believe it was an allergic reaction to a medicine I was taking for my hand joints. This time, I wonder if they are caused by my unbalanced diet...too little veg and fruit I guess. Immediately after my ulcers outbreak, I stock up on onions, courgettes, mushrooms, apples, clementines....and had scallops and sweetcorn porridge for a few nights to clean my system.

They started last weekend, have been around for a week now, the pain started to become unbearable since Tuesday...

People suggested me using salty water to rinse mouth (an all time remedy), conditions did not improve significantly. Perhaps they would get much worse if I hadnt done that. On Friday, I just could not stand the excruciating pain any longer. I went to boots during lunch time and got myself bonjela and some antiseptic mouth ulcers pastilles...In the evening, Boffin gave me some of her medicine (thx dear). I took them and kept applying bonjela...

Today I woke up, they are still here. Damn it. Still painful, but a bit less painful than yesterday.

PLEASE HEAL... I beg u....

When nothing goes right...

Haven't blogged for awhile. Since my last blog entry, I have had two weeks of lectures.

I have been more organised this term, I fetch my readings straight after lectures (though not necessarily have read them), at least I have made some efforts in getting myself sorted. I have not yet caught up with the essays (which I dunno why I could not muster any words out of myself for so long), but I will do (very soon!) I will also get my dissertation sorted! I have got tonnes of catching up to do!!!!

Nothing seems to go right for me this year, just rejections after rejections, failures after failures...Can an optimistic person be able to keep up the morale after so much frustration?

Maybe my time hasn't come yet.

Last week I had a meeting with my Tutor/Director of Studies (same person for me), she advised me not to apply for clinical this year because I will be severely disadvantaged among other applicants as I will only be a fresh grad. Moreover, I will be wasting too much time on application when I should be spending time with academic work. I told her my worries and I cried!!! OMG....She thinks I am putting too much pressure on myself, jumping hurdles after hurdles. She reckons I should take time off after graduation and start everything afresh from then on. Afterwards, I had a chat with my parents and they are absolutely supportive!!! Mummy simply says that she doesn't care whether I find a job or not that soon, since she is not waiting for me to feed the family. I should take everything slowly and just concentrate at what I am doing currently....and then do what would be best for my career aspirations...(like finding proper clinical work experience) She just want me to be happy and not feel pressurised...I was so touched!!!!

4 of us in Emmanuel College~

A really pretty duck at Emmanuel College, Cambridge on a SUNNY DAY

Jopei, Me, Arne and Jeremy at Charlie Chan

Me wearing my xmas present from darling...Elsa Peretti Eternal Circle earrings from Tiffany~

Thanks Felix L for bringing it all the way from Singapore.

Went to London on 14/1 night to visit Felix. Had a good meal and some great conversations.

As I left New Hall, I bumped into my College "grandaughter" Ying, when I found out we were both heading towards London. For the first time, I held a proper conversation with her!! Did not talk to her properly before in the freshers' events!

On 15/1, I met Felix's new friends (Stella and Janet) before they went to ice-skate at Somerset House....How I envy them...I wanna go ice skating too! (Not that I know how to ice-skate) I had a walk around in Central London for about one and a half hours, then took a train back to Cambridge to meet Jopei!!!

Hurray!

I moved back to my room in New Block!

and

Boffin and Kai Kai are back!

Boffin came back yesterday and Kai Kai came back today. They helped me with moving earlier today, after that I made dinner for them. Holly also helped me a bit with moving too.

I am just so happy and glad ! I don't know why, is it because of being able to get back to new block, or is it because of seeing both Boffin and Kai Kai, as well as getting help from them? I had no idea how much I missed my close friends!

TRULY MADLY DEEPLY (LYRICS)

Dedicate this to THE ONE. Hope you could feel how great this is... This song just brings a smile as well as a tear. Absolutely love this. It speaks my heart. Don't know if you have heard of this before. I knew you told me that you don't like Savage Garden, but....this is really nice! I think their love songs are fantastic, the other one I love is "I knew I love you".


TRULY MADLY DEEPLY by Savage Garden

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy

I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on

A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish, SEND IT to heaven and make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of

The highest powers
In lonely hours
And the tears devour you

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

Oh can't you see it baby?
Don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right before you
All that you need will surely come

ooooohh ye-eah

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy

I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

I want to go back to new block...

I hate this house (Hammond House) right now!

Noisy selfish neighbour(s) talking at 3 am in the morning when I was trying to sleep.I don't wanna go and tell them to keep it down as it will not make me "popular" among them, well, i don't belong here anyway.

Yes, I really should not need to tell them to keep it down, because they should be considerate and sensible themselves as adults, ...but the thing is...I notice so many people are so selfish and egocentric!! They being selfish and cause other people's discomfort, and then if other people tell them that they have been inconsiderate, they think the other people have problems, not them...
2nd hand smoke leaking through my door, I believe someone who lives next to me smokes..(and not just smoking normal cigarettes...)

I am so sick of these! I wanna get my body clock back to normal, but staying at this house forbids me from doing so! And my college severly exploits the rights of its students which I am also furious about. I should really be back in my room in newblock by now! BUT I AM NOT THERE YET!! I have got so much anger and frustration in me.

My thoughts these days have been negative, while I know I should not have such thoughts, I could not help having them.

Today chat to mum, and she said she had been feeling pretty down after Glenn 's departure for school. I felt quite sorry, and I feel even stronger that I really should head back to HK after Cambridge. It's like it's time for me to take up the responsibility to look after my parents and be giving them $$$, since my parents had paid a fortune for me to come and study here... Meanwhile, the fact that I have been underachieving for the past month (perhaps even year) left me feeling guilty, I felt I have failed their hope. But I just do not feel motivated, and have been feeling depressed. I feel a big burden...I know I should just do my best and not thinking too much, but I feel so weak. i want some physical comfort.

Weekend in LONDON

This is going to be brief, just a few thoughts.

On Friday, I went to London for an EXAM for a job in HK. That exam was held on Saturday and lasted the whole day from 9 am til 6.30pm.

This weekend had been hectic, but it would have been even more hectic without someone's help. In fact, my weekend in London would not have been possible without many people's help.

A big heart-felt APPRECIATION goes to them (Carmen, Irene, Soke-ling and Wallace)and THANK YOU.

Comparison---> Competition?

Does comparison have any evolutionary significance? Perhaps so, if comparison leads to competition, and why do humans like to compare? Competition leads to advances... and we always strive for a better condition in life, but is it true that the only way to recognise our own advances is to compare with others? Achievements and status are all relative. Is it necessary that we could only look good, by making other people look bad?

I sometimes do things which others do not really approve. Does that mean I am wrong/ a bad person by doing that? Ok, it's not something I do routinely, but it's my way of life. I understand the risks involved, as one hears from the news from time to time, people gets murdered, cheated, raped...etc. But the probability that happens could be less than 1 percent. I just wanna say I am a very careful person, and I take very careful measures into doing things. I do not wish to limit my chances and I do not want to be judged. Anyhow, I know everyone cares for me.

Adolescence/Puberty?

Adolescence/Puberty, I have not yet distinguished the exact difference in meaning between the two words, I think they are identical in meaning, and the worst thing is that at the moment I just couldn't be bothered to find out!

What is SLEEP to do with PUBERTY?

I have read this amazing article in Apple Daily Today, it is a summary of an English Scientific finding...it simply says that if one has problems going to bed early and likes going to bed late, then having problems getting up early in the morning, it means that one has not passed the stage of puberty. Since the implication of finding was that once one passes adolescence, one will want to go to bed early and have a very regular sleeping pattern. I couldn't help but wonder, perhaps I still havent finished growing~ (but I am already 21?) that's why I can't help sleeping late and getting up late??? I must tell Kai about this. "HEY, GUESS WHAT? WE ARE STILL GROWING!!!"

OK, This might also explain that I am not mature enough to deal with all these issues with life! (work...I am not coping!) Perhaps looking on the good side, it means that there are still rooms for me to grow! But at the moment, I am annoyed with myself for being so easily distracted (I think I have attention deficit disorder, or some kind of concentration problem). I do not want to but I am wasting time! I really thought I have got through my depression, but why I still can't get my motivation level up? Am I just lazy? I must engage myself with some form of mentally exhausting activity from now on, to keep myself busy and stop thinking too many irrelevant things.

Otherwise, I felt happy being able to talk to my family today. My brother is just becoming more and more handsome, now there are gals after him! Haha, as a sister, I feel pretty proud~~
I was expecting a great told-off from mum 'cos of my crazy xmas shopping, but in fact, she did not scold me, it seemed that she understood how unhappy I was during the past month, and I was surprised! She also told me to see doctor if I feel anything wrong with my body, and asked if I have been going to the gym. She said that health is the most important assets. I felt so touched, and that I believe my family loves me the way I am, and that their love for me is unconditional. They have clothed me, fed me, educated me (which seriously has costed a lot in these few years). But I worry that what if I cannot cope here even I have done my best, will I fail their hopes and becoming a burden for them?

How I wish I could just be a machine and work all the time, that's why I really admire people who work hard...like my darling, who could be so single-minded, and not so easily distracted. He is destined for great things. Somehow, I just feel that I still have a long way to go, to learn how to focus. Will I ever get there? Surely people will say ,"You will get there eventually. (You will just need to believe that you can do it.)" While I could put myself out there and try really hard, I cannot help having doubts about what if I fail to achieve that? Does that mean I am a worthless piece of shit? While we know that we are the product of our gene and environment, and I think I have inherited some LAZY or LAID BACK genes...I just hope the environment could be so influential that it would pull me away from my laziness.

Today I finished watching Sex and The City Season 4...

A typical posting- HAPPY 2005

HAPPY 2005! May everyone's life be as rewarding as possible, and all the best in everything you do! I wish you all good health, prosperity, happiness and peace.

It's the First time in so many years, that my countdown for New Year was NON-EXISTENT. No Parties, no phone calls, no family members being around me. Instead I just sat in my room at New Hall, blogging. And no, I am not feeling that sad!

Getting no work done during the past month, apart from completing the GRE psychology exam, I was trying to get over my depression, which was finally resolved after visiting Iris+Iain Jim, Sokeling and Irene; and some retail therapy! I am also addicted to watching SEX AND THE CITY...

It is now time to set my heart to work seriously... 18 days left till the beginning of Lent Term.