The first half of the term was filled with some sort of joy and excitment, but when it came to the second half of the term, my life became full of uncertainties, doubts, anguish. Could it be due to the weather? Every year I feel some what grey when it reaches the winter months, but before I knew I could go home then. This year, I AM NOT GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS for the first time ever! On one hand, I am so determined to stay and I know perfectly well how much I need the time to catch up with my work. On the other hand, I can't help feeling bitter about everyone's leaving.
SO...I have not really written anywhere about how I've been doing during my final Michaelmas Term at Cambridge. A not so brief summary:
- Embarked on 4 paper course on Psychology Part II + one paper course on Medical Ethics and Law + a Dissertation on "Pharmacotherapy versus Cognitive Therapy in Depression" (How interesting! I am not being Sarcastic!) I must say how much I love Psychology! Yes, work is tough but I enjoy it! Comparing with my 1st and 2nd years, I think I feel most comfortable this year. Sometimes I stay in the department til 9pm , and even going there at some weekends, I do not loathe it. It's so abnormal for me. Medical Law is absurdly hard, the lecturers just keep on "BLAH-RING" for one whole hour and there are no SLIDES!! I am so not used to lectures WITHOUT SLIDES ! Cleverly I record them... (Is it illegal? I don't care. It's for self use anyway). Ethics lectures are hard but at least enjoyable, with excellent witty lecturers. Well, one is not meant to understand a Cambridge lecture on the spot really (yeah right!)...it takes time to ponder on and reflect upon. One thing I really need to improve on....NOTE TAKING! Half of my course this year has already gone by, 8 more weeks of lecture next term, and here we go, REVISIONS FOR FINALS!!!!
- Go to the GYM at NEW HALL in LATE EVENINGS (@ 11pm mostly~)
- Wrote a few essays <--------- that's why I say I am behind with my work! Though I have been doing quite a lot of reading. I will have to do some during the vacation. TARGET: at least 1 a week!
- Went to quite a number of Management Consultancies' presentations and Case Studies workshops. (Though I have never really thought of becoming a management consultant nor anything heavily businessy/ financial. I guess it's cool to learn a bit more about what other people do while sharpening my mind.)
- Trying very hard to polish my CV and wrote a really crap cover letter. Also attempting to make a few job applications (not saying to where...wait till I get a job offer). I am still unsure about what I want to do apart from Clinical Psychology. Human Resources probably? Yesterday, Cecilia told me how she always thought I would make a great Human Resources Officer/Manager, since I am friendly and can make conversation with virtually anyone (Is that true? I am keen to communicate, but not sure if people like talking to me!!).
- Had my first attempt of Aptitude Tests and Personality Test in the Careers Service. (Will write more about the Personality Test later)- Went to a number of formal halls (approximately one a week), plus dining out some time with friends. Finally tried LA TASCA (a Spanish restaurant) and a few new places (ok..at this point i realise I cannot type Chinese in this post)
-Being obsessed about Chocolate Fondue (yes...I even had dreams about it)
- Joined First Aid Society... So UNFAIR, I paid 10 Pounds membership fee and I am not even on the mailing list? Kai and I didn't get a place to do the Manual Handling course...and have not attended anything since... I AM SO GONNA CLAIM FOR A REFUND!
- Going around celebrating ppl's birthday. Oh yeah, this is the last chance I get before graduation!
No matter whether I have been working efficiently or not, this term is drawing close to the end, all I can do is to work hard this vacation and the coming 6 months, and see what turns out!
Yeah, to the point why I feel pretty gloomy at times, one reason: "IAN-SICKNESS!" (cf homesickness) Last night I went to the CICCU 's Carol Service at St. Mary's the Great Church with my bunch of lovely friends, it's become a routine for me, why is that? Because, 2 years ago, Ian and I went there after our very first date. Even now we've been apart for a year and a half already, sitting on the Church bench singing carols, I could not help thinking about what happened exactly 104 weeks ago (and sob sob)...Perhaps one who understands me well would know how I feel, I have a rational and irrational/emotional self. They like to fight. Just like what I wrote in the journal in September regarding his visit to HK.... So what now? I (my rational self) know perfectly well how much he loves me, and appreciates all the efforts he makes (one can only make limited efforts), like the telephone calls, webcaming ...despite his heavy workload in his law firm. Also the fact that we are so compatibile in so many ways, I just don't wanna give up. Moreover, I just cannot visualise my life without him, he being out of my life is too much for me to bear. It has gotta be love. Perhaps it is the value I added to this relationship which causes my sadness? My irrational self sometimes feel upset. I complain about the duration of time we spend apart, without each other's embraces and warmth which I need enormously in this depressing, cold place. I have no idea when exactly we will see each other again. Perhaps I am not making enough efforts? My rational self understands that he would be feeling as frustrated as I am, and that meanwhile we must carry on with FAITH and PATIENCE. Well, I am weak and my irrational self doesn't like keeping quiet....lonliness doesn't subside, I need somebody to cure my loneliness..... My rational self and strong will will come back anytime for sure to defeat this negative thought....when the weather is nice again:)
(I have actually counted that I have quite a number of symptoms of clinical depression, perhaps not a severe one, but surely a mild one...but I think I can cure myself)
I never write about my love for someone so exlicitly, it is due to after reading a friend's blog, I realised "what so embarassed to talk about? It is true, it's there, I should let u know!" Surely we are together not to prove to others that long distance relationship does work, but the fact that we want to keep our love for each other going strong.
10 days to my GRE (Graduates Records Examination) Psychology exams in LEEDS! And I have not started revising seriously. I keep telling myself it aint that hard... ^^" wish me luck!
1 comment:
Hmm.. the rational irrational part is too emotional... I didnt cry though.. hehe... i'd pray to god that you people live a happy life together.
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